Beautiful

Life is a bit silly sometimes. You get what you want and then you realize that what you wanted in the first place was just a shallow, silly version of what you really wanted. But how was I to know that what I thought I wanted was just a shallow version of what I really wanted and didnt know was what I wanted!! There... it does seem silly. A good example is that of a girl who is just average to look at and thought she would be happier if people just thought she was attractive. She ranted and raved and finally somehow managed to make herself superficially attractive based on what she read in fashion magazines only to realize that she was still not happy and would never be truly happy because what she really wanted to be was Beautiful!

Maybe...

Its Saturday afternoon and as I sit on my balcony and watch this beautiful tree person swaying in the wind, I wonder. Of course, for the record, I always wonder. The wondering never stops and I never try to stop it. Am I happy?? Why does this one question bother me so much? Is happiness just believing that you are happy and must be because you know that you are better off than so many more people you know? Is happiness really personal? Or is there a formula?

I have tried doing the 'Gandhjii' thing you know... You remember that message from Mahatma Gandhi we all had in the first page of every NCERT text book we have ever opened - "If you are feeling lonely, sad or low.. just try to remember the face of the poorest and hungriest person you have ever seen and you will feel all your sorrows melting away"!! At least that's my version of his message. And it always makes me feel better about my life. I say Better consciously. I do feel better because I am not that person and I wish I could do what I could for that hungry person and I do try to do something after all. But none of that changes the fact that I am not happy and thinking about his face does not make me happy.

So what is the formula? I once asked a friend of mine ... "Would you be happy if you thought that you were with somebody who was 50%+ perfect for you?" and he said, "of course"!! That of course, made me feel very ashamed of myself (and he was just being honest) 'cos I have more than 50% + perfection in my life. But I still come to this balcony once in a week and wonder. And I wonder.

No angel...

I seem to be on a roll today. Wonder why there is a spurt of pointless writing and yet continuing with it when there is not much in my mind. But I do want to place on record that my thoughts and consequently my ramblings on this blog are very personal. They are not meant to dole out gyaan or to be worthy of any award (though Booker's would be nice) :D. I write when I cant talk. When there is nobody to talk to. Or when it is in the middle of the night (or day as applicable) and I need to blurt out a few truths (or lies, as the case maybe) in the silence and comfort of my very own random digital diary which is safely locked away with a Username and Password in the depths of the innards of some random blogworld. I cherish the anonymity. I used to think, that I was somewhere inside of me, dying to be a great writer but I am not. I am RANDOM. The musings are even more so. So do not expect to be enlightened or mind-mollycoddled (in a warm way that we feel when we read a feel good book or post or article) or to catch a philosophical turn of mind in action or anything. This is for me and no one else. And if you choose to read- do so at your own peril.

But thanks anyway for dropping by... :) Appreciate it mate...

Gosh.. it was a pause!

And I was obviously right. It was merely a pause. I have started moving forward again. And though its slow and tough going, its not the end that I thought it was doomed to be and that makes the "slow going" worth it. But there are still gaps. I am not looking for perfection (though I do not understand what people have against perfection) - I am just looking for harmony. Harmony is good. Harmony is being in sync and if I am trying to understand a person's need to herd everybody into our private space to contribute to global pollution, I certainly dont understand why I cant paint the walls alone. Doesn't make any sense, does it? These things never do. Look at the balance? 30 people V. one bucket of paint. Who wins? Obviously the heavy weight.

I just want to paint? Why can't I? Is my life so pathetic that people can have grand gizmos worth a month's salary but I cannot have my day of paint and painting and walls? When have I ever stopped you? Why stop me? Everything is not a "Unit's" decision. No, thank you.. Sire!! I do not want to be just the other person in a "two"some! I am an atom. I am the quark. I share myself with no one. There is me and there is you and then there is US. Us didn't come first.

Strange...

I think its broken. The strange unreal hold seems to be over. There is no feeling. At least not much involved. The demise is enlightening-ly anti-climatic. No shower of sparks or an eclipse or an explosion. Just a fizzle. A quiet death. Weird. I would have thought that this event would shatter the world around me. And I would have to be dragged out of here screaming and crying and ranting and raving. But how very quiet it all is. Surprising!!!

I hope to God that tomorrow when I write again, this storm has passed and what seems to be an ending is merely a pause. Have mercy.

Leaf-thoughts

There is so much to write and no sense in gathering my thoughts. They are like autumn leaves on a windy day. All over the place. No rake is strong enough and now that i introspect - do I really want to gather them? I would rather walk like a loner in a park, looking at each leaf-thought individually. Pick them up and see the lines that makes each leaf-thought special - let each one tell me its own story in its own language.

I walk along and they swirl around me. Its actually kind of liberating. Like there were a million butterflies in my mind and now they have all just flown out. Beautiful. A profusion of colors and the soundless whoosh of fluttering wings. Silent somehow... and surreal.

I see myself retreating into that quiet place in my head. Where nothing hurts. Nothing matters. I had forgotten what it feels like to be vulnerable. Does not feel that great. The space in my mind is my park - green and fresh, its my very own cathedral - dark, soothing, confessional, cool and spacious. I do not see the Cross or the priest. But I do feel God there.

It is like watching myself from inside. My mom says that there is grief and sadness in this world because it is only in those times that we remember God. I agree. When I am happy, I never come to this place and it is only here that I feel that presence. Where I find myself. untouched, unadulterated and absolutely separate from the world. Untainted by anybody. I guess I have to get out soon ... but for now I am happy here.

Personal Legend... I have lost mine.

It is too complicated now. I cannot change anything.

"Personal affection is a luxury you can have only after all your enemies are eliminated. Until then, everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judgment" - said Orson Scott. I agree. Seems to be the premise of my life - I can speak for no other.

I am what I am, I have what I have and I have come too far. Nothing can be changed and nor do I have the power to change anything. I realize that the flaw lies within. I shall try to amend. This is the best I can have and life has proved that time and again to me. Whenever I have been arrogant enough to just try and save myself from the insanity of others, life has shown that it is inescapable. I do not have a choice as I cannot allow myself to have a choice.

Life is strange that way. You can try and veer from the path that life has set for you and for a while you find yourself meandering down valleys and plains and paths that make you believe that you have successfully set your own course and then Wham!! Life has smacked you right in the face and you open your eyes and see that you are back below the same old tree from where you had started running. You can cut down the tree but the question is - do you want to?

Ha ha... that's Life quietly chuckling at the foibles of us mortals - that we silly sentient beings even have the audacity to think that we can outrun him.

So as I stand below that tree and believe Life's mean and caustic laughter is real... I wonder if I will take a chance again? Try to run again? Maybe I will but that day is not today. Today I am tired and weary and beaten. I cannot fight anymore. And now that I think about it... its not that bad right? Nothing is ever that bad.. Its just about the way one chooses to look at it.

I wonder what happened to my Personal Legend....

What is Love? Baby dont...

What is true and complete companionship?

Could it be that one finds it (or should I say stumbles upon it while going about one’s good, old mundane life) as the fairy tales would have us believe… magically??? Love at first sight!! Though the characters involved have absolutely no idea that this it – they eventually figure through what I call the “missing shoe” syndrome. Remember the missing shoe? The One Thing that Cinderella leaves behind as a sign from above for her Prince Charming. We all have our versions of the shoe… the One Thing that makes us realize (or at least our endorphin influenced brain would like to perceive as “realization”) that this is the One!! My soulmate a.k.a “the one I was meant to be with”. As soon as the One Thing is revealed, we think back to how “we always knew somewhere in some cobwebbed corner of our sub conscious mind” that he/she was the ONE.

Could it be that true and complete companionship is only as magical as one wants it to be, one makes it out to be? Is Love just a hormonal reaction? A Survival Instinct for mankind? Are we truly monogamous at heart (or to be clear psychologically)?? Is Love what keeps us from wandering away from the ties of commitment? From looking, evaluating or window shopping again for a person of the opposite sex (or in many cases, the same sex) in “that” way? Do we need Love to keep us alive?

It is a very fundamental and interesting question for me. I believe it is. I wake up in the morning smiling because I believe I am in love and that I am equally loved (hope against hope). Love gives me a reason to get through my day and get back home. It gives me a reason to cook - hunger is also a good enough reason but it does not inspire me to cook exotic things – whether the exotic experiments end up (sadly) charred/undone/unset/wobbly or just plain bad. It makes me write long emails with love song lyrics which describe the state of my heart on that day. It makes my heart thump with joy and makes me break into a smile for no reason. It makes my day, my night and every weekend worth waiting for. It makes me want to be beautiful ( to whatever extent a clumsy, shy and awkward person can be) – hey, hey I didn’t say that I manage to be successfully beautiful but it at least makes me want J Basically all said and one and no matter how pathetic it sounds, it makes me alive. Makes me aware. Makes me desire. Makes me better. Makes me introspective. Makes me emotional. Makes me adventurous. Makes me!

What more could one ask for from life in terms of love that is? It might be love for a person for me and love for sports for another. Which brings me back to my first question. What is true and complete companionship? Does it have to be with a person or even necessarily an animate object? Can it be books? The Internet? Sports? TV?

Before I found this extraordinary love that I have gone on and on about above, I lived my life through books – more accurately because of books. Without them to keep my sanity – I would have been a mental case (Ang Jolie from Girl, Interrupted type) a long time back. I could even go the extent of saying that books are my one true and great love (no offence to the love of my life). I have loved them from the day I learnt to read. From that day I realized that my life is not ordinary, I am not ordinary as long as I am in somebody’s else’s world. Or I am ordinary as I wanted to be. I found my Terabithia. Everyday a different one though J I grew up in a relatively boring world with relatively boring (but kind and loving) people. I wanted adventure. I craved it. I wanted to be a different person each day and my wish was made true by any book I read. So you will understand me (and pardon me as well if you are a lover of non-fiction) when I say that fiction is the only reading material I like. I want to have nothing much to do with reality when I am in ‘my world which is not my own’.

I go to bed night after night dying to read. I want to get back home to read. I wish I could carry a book around to fill up gaps in social occasion when I am bored out of my skull (I used to do it as a kid and my mom used to scold every single time) J There is also this person I love. Who is fun, funny, charming and loving. He is the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with and the one I want to be with (of all the human beings I know). But even he is unable to fill certain spaces in my life which only my books can. I was upset about it to start with (the upset bit started ‘cos I was worried that I was dissatisfied with the relationship and sat down to evaluate myself) and then I realized that I was just being healthy!

I was obsessed with finding my soulmate and now that I have found him, I am obsessed with perfection. I was. No more. Now I just channelize (unconsciously till now) my energy back into other things which makes me happy. Like books and taking care of myself. It is in a way, the demise of an entire thought process for me. Because I believed that I was born to love a Person. One cause. An all consuming passion for one thing or person. But I guess I was wrong before and I am happy I was so. Because when I look back on how I used to perceive love – I realize it was unhealthy. Just an obsession with being obsessed. Thank god I have found normalcy (though before signing off I would like to say that somewhere in the darkest, deepest recess of my mind – I still hope that I find that one passion – one single thing that can contain me, reign me in, control me and obsess me)!! J

Maybe I will.

Can I do an Avataar?

I was generally pondering about life and living it. We wake up everyday and go with the flow. Even if there is a plan to do something, it is just a part of the 'Flow'. Will we ever be able to wake up in a different world? In a different life? I keep thinking that I would like to. Where everything is just familiar enough (like places) to not be lost. Like Lyra, I too wish to wander from world to world and parallel universes - multiverses for the physics geek - and be an adventuress.

I wish to be a planet. A sea by myself. I wish to have a couple of moons orbitting me. A universe that cannot exist without me.

I wish to reconsider who I am. I dont want to make any deals.

I have Gabriel Oak. I need Thomas Hardy now!

So what exactly is being lonely? Is it just a phase of the mind? Or does one actually have to be "alone" to feel lonely? One of my favorite books, forever, has been Far from the maddin crowd by Thomas Hardy. I read it and my favorite person from the book remains the farmer who works for the heroine - Gabriel Oak. True to his name, he stands tall and calm, through any storm - strong in the face of any adversity - except for love. I love the fact that he is vulnerable. He is the person I would want to be, if I could write my character. But, being that I am made of misty, wispy matter - I can only hope to HAVE a Gabriel Oak in my life! :)

Last night I was lying awake in my bed and I lay like that for about an hour before I dozed off into fitful sleep. I was so lonely, I could have cried myself to sleep. If only life were so kind that I was actually alone when I felt lonely. Fate, is that cynical creature, who loves to laugh at irony. So there I am, feeling lonely. And I am not alone. What should that tell me? Am I not in love? But, yes I am. Very much so.

So why am I so mixed up? And thro' all this I feel sorry for him! He is really a nice guy. He is Gabriel Oak. Oh, gosh. Why the hell could I not be a character somebody wrote so that I had no choice in the part I play or the way I play it - in the story?

Edit...

I hate the edit option.. especially when I drive myself crazy with editing the Font and Color of my post!! Seriously...

'Phone'y, I tell u!

Not keeping in touch.. now there is a touchy topic for discussion J I have never been the sort to mail or call regularly. Frankly, I hate having a cell phone cos it makes me so “accessible”!! Phhoeey… who needs to be more accessible? I am trying to run away from all the noise in my life without having the damn thing ringing like a damn siren on the damn ambulance that is carrying me to my damn death-bed (damn)!!!. Have some mercy, World. I think it’s just important for people to understand that people are different. THEY ARE. If you like keeping in touch, am I stopping you??? Have I ever said that I am unhappy about the fact that you call or mail?? All I am saying is that there are days when I DO NOT wish to talk. I am already in a job where I talk most of time (and not even about myself.. which would have at least been a fun-thing-to-do) J I cannot have a personal life where I talk most of the time as well… Like I said I am built differently!!

Everybody expects one to KEEP IN TOUCH. What is that? Call up every weekend? And say what? “Hey there.. how’s it going??” And then what? Why can’t we all know and love each other enough to just call up when there is something to talk about? I hate “phone”ey talk, all right? And I think its very, very important that people in my life understand this about me. I know it's difficult in the new and "small" world!! But try pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Amma used to bribe me (or sometimes threaten me with annihilation) when I used to refuse to answer the damn trill of the tring… tring at home. We had a caller ID and so I knew that it was sometimes an aunt or grandparents or somebody. She used to say, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH U… you antisocial creature… don’t you love your grandparents/aunt/general family.. etc etc?? Don’t u love me enuf to help out by answering the phone???” Well, that is a fair enough question.. and here is the answer. I love you but that DOES NOT mean answering the phone is how I show my love. If answering calls mean that much to you… please do so J Just don’t ask me to. And just because sometimes I do not answer calls or I forget to call back or I do not conform to the agenda of “let me call everybody I care about over the weekend or they are stupid enuf to misunderstand me” does not indicate my love/lack of love for you/ the people in my life. It’s a phobia .. like spiders for some… its lizards and phones and meaningless “catch-up” conversation for me.

And, don’t get me started on relatives!!! What is wrong with them? What am I supposed to call and tell them every weekend? Once in a month? Why is calling indicative of the fact that I care? I mean dont u guys watch televsion, movies or read books on weekends? I lead a very tiring week-life!! I want a nothing-to-do weekend!! I do not want to talk unless I want to, in which case I will call you J

And I will not judge you if you do not want to talk... I will mail you, okay? :) Or msg u if it is urgent, so u can choose to pick up my call or not!! :)

And I hate the pressure. Damn-it-must-call-or-will-be-thought-of-as-unloving-and-uncaring. Seriously… please don’t be so shallow. Allow the people in your life some space without judging them. Life is tough enough as it is. And short enough too!! J

There are some people in everybody’s life they want to come home to… And some people are lucky enuf to have that (sometimes literally and sometimes not). In such a scenario, trust me… there is enuf to do without getting on the phone for an hour to “chat”.

So.. hoping that I have convincingly argued that I am not anti-social and also hoping that you have all understood that I am a bit of a weirdo… signing off (and also contemplating penning a novel called “Beginnings and Endings” or whatever I feel like calling it when I have written it – don’t ask me about it till it’s over) :D,

loveeeee... Me :)

BFF

Possibly because it's Friday, my thoughts are bursting out of my head. The person this is meant for will know that this is meant for her.

Darling, I have always tried to be your 'best friend' and more. I also know today that I have somehow failed you. If I have failed to make you understand how much I love you and how I really am not judging you, and how I am just trying to help out in my own clumsy and stupid way, then the failure is mine. I remember reading somewhere that if Love is a feeling as perceived by the one loved and not the one who loves, then let the one who is loved be a judge of the love. Let the one who is loved be the judge about the (in)adequacy, the nature, the depth (or lack of it) and the wisdom (or foolishness) of such love. So be it.

For reasons known to you and me, I have known that I have failed to pass on to you the depth and nature of the affection which truly burns within me, for you. But please do know my dear, that this affection can be a blanket whenever you fall, whenever you stumble or whenever you just want to take a snooze from life. If you see this affection as a blanket that smothers you, then again the failure is mine and mine alone. Again, I have read somewhere that affection which cannot be showered, dies like a summer rain. That's not true. My love is true and my love is real. It shall be as powerful today as it was yesterday or will be tomorrow. And for teh record, its not a summer shower, it is the damn monsoon, all year round :)

I shall always wait for you to 'come back' to me. Do not mistake what I have written here as a "I am whining so please listen to me and feel sorry for me and bad about yourself" device. It is not. It is merely a stupid recording of one- millionth of what I feel for you and would never be able to put into words Take your time Darling. All I ask is that you do not judge me too harshly. And that you do hasten the process (which you will inevitably go through) and realize that I really do want the very best for you and a happy-you makes a happy-me :)

No apologies for what I have said or done, that which was perceived by you as worthy of nothing less than distance. That is just who I am. But I can promise to try harder when it comes to you. Or maybe not try hard at all, which maybe what you want, after all. Right now, I am confused... but I promise to try :) Where oh where lies the answers to difficult relationships? Are relationships difficult, or do we make them difficult? I, for one, have no clue.. maybe you will find the answer and let me know. Till then, good luck with everything... my love is always with you girl!

Middle Child Syndrome

I really want to write this bit below, for somebody who is/was special to me in my childhood but I do not know whom to write to... So if you are reading this and you were a (special) part of my childhood, please feel free to presume that this is meant for you.... :)

"I dont need a day to express what I feel for you, I never try...I just do. You are a special person and will always remain so. Here are a few lines I'd like to say to you. Did I ever thank you enough? For all the times when I was small and insignificant, and I was running down the lane in front of Vyshakh, you watched out for me (this line is literal and figurative because for a long time I literally ran down the lane in front of our home because I had just watched this very, very bad movie called Tremors which had underground, prehistoric, giant sized worms that burst out of the ground and quite enjoyed chasing, mutilating and eating up people)!! Did I ever thank you enough? For the times you held my gaze and smiled on, not holding me back, but just watched me grow!! Did I ever thank you enough? For those silent words, you sent across to me whenever I was sad, happy or sublime. Did I ever thank you enough? For all those wonderful moments, when my friends were made to feel loved and respected no matter who they were!!Did I ever thank you enough? For guiding me, for lending me those little words of wisdom that still sees me through!! Did I ever thank you enough? For showing me that there’s more to life than what we see, that there’s laughter and happiness, and it is always within us. Did I ever thank you enough? For those beautiful cards, the ones you wrote so neatly, letters which showered me with love and affection and because of which I always knew that I was loved. You will always be dear to me and I shall forever love you!!"

Frankly, I think I am capable of writing better stuff but I have no idea what in the world I should be writing about - that's why the Love Poem above sucks. To be candid I was the second child amongst three, very notorious children. And it would not be wrong to say that I do suffer from the much famed and debated about "Middle Child Syndrome". Btw, MCS is described as "a medical condition which commonly affects children who were born with an equivalent number of older and younger siblings (i.e. the second of three, third of five, fourth of seven, etc). Middle children are often ignored by their parents who give more attention to the older and younger siblings. They are often compared or chastised for not being like their elder siblings or for not being a better example to their younger siblings. These factors usually create feelings of neglect, loneliness, and unimportance. " courtsey Wikianswers.com.

Regardless of whether this explanation is scientifically right or wrong, this is the best explanation I have come across, one which suits my state of mind at least :) So, now I hope that I have adequately whined about why the Letter to The Favorite Person In My Childhood (above) is not particularly addressed to anybody. I was just feeling nostalgic about my childhood and wanted to write something to The Older Figure Who Was My Role Model While I was Growing Up. So that's that... it's done... phew!! Hate sentimental writing but am compelled by some deep need to pretend that somebody was indeed (specially) watching out for me when I Grew Up :D

Drops of Jupiter

One of my fav songs...

"Now that shes back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that shes back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's time to grow, hey, hey

Now that shes back in the atmosphere
Im afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
Conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way"

For some reason, the most favorite of my songs are as abstract as abstract can get.

Meaningful crap...

So there are ambitions and then there is that one thing that one really wants to do!! Is there a marked difference in the two for everybody?? I wonder and I wonder out loud. A friend of mine quit his job because he didnt like what it "did" to him. It wasnt about the money. For abt a year he did all kinds of odd jobs till he found something "respectable" (as my parents would define a job), and mainstream but most importantly, something he wants to do. Something that will make a difference!!

Am I jealous? Am I trapped in a world I do not want to be in??? Bear with me for I know we have all gone thro' the "corporate crap" vs "something meaningful" debate several times over starting with our 1st week in college to the first month of work :) But for the lucky few, "something meaningful" is the corporate crap!! How I envy them!! So where am I? I am in a place where I - think - I am happy that I have a job which helps me to pay the bills, mortgages and lets me have enuf to spend on most things I and others want. I am happy abt these things. Am I happy abt the job I have to do? In a world of compromises (what other world do we know) - this is a happy enuf job. Do I look forward to work - and the painful answer is NO!! So somewhere inside me I know that I cannot do this forever. I admire people who can think that hah - that schmuck is going to work (against his inner will)!!! But let me tell the lucky few who are doing what they want to do without having sold out (w/o being defensive but taking it personally) that these shmucks are somebody's children or somebody's sibling and provide for/ take care of somebody else other than themselves.

I guess my answer is that I will quit this some day and do what I want. When is that day is something I do not know!! :) I wish I could figure. That day is when somebody can take over the EMI I pay and my bills till I start over again. With my retro cafe.. which will be a roaring success cos the food will be great and I will love doing what I do. So till that day, a schmuck I shall stay.

" As I sat mulling over the last document,

With just MS Office (2007 I must add) for company and the net, of course,

I realised that it was time to hit the road, half past eight,

Having packed up, I walked down seven floors,

I watched people hurrying to their houses,

or to pubs or to the movies or wherever they went,

but all with the same speed, the same grouses,

Etched on their faces, with the same weight their backs bent.

And I think to my self, where is the end and which is the means?

Are we all mice dancing to the same tune, enacting the same scenes?

Where has life brought us? or did we get here ourselves?

How do we get out? Without hurting the world that on our shoulder dwells?

And then I think again, am I a poet?

So I stop and I go back to my life again,

See you soon, I tell my blog page, when it begins to rain!"

Ha, ha - thats my bit of juvenile poetry so that I dont feel like a lawyer as I sign off! Watch this space for more meaningful posts :)

New endings...

Today, I got a new ending. An ending which does not seem conventional. And anyway who gets endings after new beginnings. But for me this ending was important. Because no matter how much one wishes to believe that life is about choices one has made, there are certain situations when the choices include others and their choices as well. This happens in situations esp. when one would not want to acknowledge that there is another person's choice involved in the choice one made.

But let me tell you that endings are as beautiful- if I may quote a cliche-as beginnings. As satisfying. 'Cos every ending brings with it a new start. Today, I finally ended bitterness and started talking. All this while I have been talking to a certain person, but as life has taught us many a time, sometimes there is so much of talking to do before one gets down to a meaningful conversation. So I talked. And listened and talked some more.

And then there was light :). It sounds a bit corny but we had actually fought through a lot of bushes, branches, creepers, thorns and a lot of blinding wilderness in some personal jungle before we suddenly, quite unexpectedly fell right out of the forest into a nicer place. Plop...and there we were. I have a feeling the other person also wanted to get there (tho' he must have wanted it only secretly, given the fact that he seemed to be enjoying the madness) even tho' it didnt seem like it, 'cos he was having his own share of fun by extending the bitterness. No cruel intentions there and none insinuated.. I think it was just a secret laughing session for him. Well... each to his own.

But coming back to us... we have some light now. We are going forward without stumbling too much and bruising our knees. How true it is... Falling in love can be hard on the knees!! :) I am so glad all the falling is over finally, 'cos the love truly never ends. I must say that I have always been an admirer of just walking in it, running away from it and if in it, just enjoying it!! :) And the best thing is that my cavalier attitude, it works for me...

Random things about me...

As I was FaceBooking today, I saw this lovely note by a friend of mine named “25 Random Things about ME" or something equally narcissistic. So I obviously loved the idea :) I read it and I agreed with some other friend of her’s who said – “Wow – there is so much I know about you and so much I don’t”. So I thought to myself, “this is kinda kookie and sweet, even I want to put down 25 completely random things about myself” – I have a feeling its gonna be tough to come up with 10 such Random things, let alone 25 – but I shall try to put down as many as I can!! BUT NOT ON FB (I am genuinely afraid of public writing - blogging is my only concession to this and abt three of you even know about it). So here I am.

Random things about Me :)

1. I love snow. Even though I have never seen it or felt it on my nose or played in it. I love the thought of it. I have dreamt, imagined and even in some multiverse played in snow, indulged in snow fights and built a family snowman every Christmas. The vision of snow that stays with me every time I dream of it is - me (almost exactly like Winona Ryder in “Edward Scissorhands”) with snow lightly falling on my face, looking at the sky and twirling around :D
2. I can sleep through an entire day (if need be) and I love it. I have read this story about some greek chieftainess who was late to some meeting of the Gods called by Zeus at Olympus and calls upon her two sons who were the best, smartest, strongest boys in the land to pull her chariot as her horses have died or something. Anyway, leaving those particulars alone, the boys do not let their mother down and actually get her to the damn meeting. She calls upon Zeus to grant her children the most coveted, most sweet, most AWESOME thing in the world. Zeus obliges and they fall down as if dead. As she cries out loud, he comforts her and tells her that he granted them the boon of eternal sleep :D Well, as long as I got the point across….
3. My dreams are as real to me as reality. I fly, I fight, I cruise and I do everything in my dreams. Some I remember, some I don’t. But I do know that when I dream (and I do it non-stop on most nights) I wake up absolutely unrested and tired.
4. I really wanted to join an NGO when I joined Law College. I wanted to (and have promised myself that someday I will) work for the rights of sexually abused women and children.
5. I am fascinated by people. I love observing them – what they are doing, what they are saying. Random people on the bus, on the road, in a restaurant.
6. I believe in God. Not Temples, not Idols, not Pujas, not precious stones nor mantras. I believe in conversation. Ask and the Universe conjures :)
7. I believe in karma.
8. I have never been abroad (nothing that I can remember) after the age of three. And I SO WANT TO TRAVEL around the world. I will make it.
9. I love Bollywood movies with all its jhatkas and impossible plots, the decked up dancing heroines, the ab-solutely endowed heroes and the general madness that is a part of it.
10. I have never been able to judge myself objectively. But I believe I am an absolute great when it comes to judging/figuring out people around me.
11. I have always wanted to live my life without regrets but for me, life has not been that easy. No excuses – but I wish I could truly call myself a free soul :D
12. I just don’t get Kafka or Dostoevsky and a few more of those heavy weight names :( Always been super worried about whether I am brain dead cos the world raves about them.
13. I have always known that I will find the love of my life. I just never thought I’ll do so before I got married to the wrong guy :) Phew, I say....
14. I am a hopeless, hopeless, incurable romantic. I believe in love and soulmates and waiting till you find the other half and together forever and happily ever after and so on so forth :) :) :)
15. I can cry for anything and everything. My first reaction to anything is tearing up :( I hate that about myself.
16. I love and hate intensely, I like and dislike intensely. It’s instinctive and rarely ever am I indifferent to anything.
17. I would love to stop being so bothered about everything, everybody.
18. I would love to fly someday. I mean grow wings and fly away..
19. My fav fictional character is Peter Pan. I used to dream of Never Never Land.
20. I believe hell is on Earth. It’s this life we live which is the test.
21. I absolutely cannot live without music. It gets me through my day.
22. I am scared of the dark. Still. I mumble some old bhajans my mom taught me when I was a kid (picture my sheepish face) :)
23. I hate crowds. Feel super claustrophobic… like they are going to trample over me.
24. My favorite book in the whole wide world is Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I have read it and re-read it a million times!
25. I have always (and I think on some level, I still do) harbored a dream of greatness. I want to change something about the world in a substantial way. Be the first to do something (have no clue what the 'something' is though)...

My great Indian blog..

Why does one write? Does it satisfy the need to get your thoughts out of your head (kind of like a Pensieve) so that you can think clearly or merely unburden your mind and memory? For some it may be deeper.... For me, alongwith the need to just talk (read - vent) this also satisfies the writer within. I know it sounds kind of ridiculous that people fancy themselves writers when they have never gotten even a poem of their's published by a proper publisher much less their school magazine (in any year)! So the ones who have gotten something published might feel more entitled to blog as they are ""more writers" than the others. And, also please note that I am not even going into an explanation of which bunch I fall into :)

But still I must admit that it fulfills some deep seated desire within me to be a writer (I want to say "the great, undiscovered" writer :D). Atleast nobody can reject the trash/greatness that my writing is. A few of you are even subjected to reading it. I dont get paid for this (no struggling writer ever does, mind you)... but I still love doing it... I love pouring my heart and soul into this.

I must confess that I wondered "what is it that one blogs about"?.... before I found the courage (yes - COURAGE) to start this blog! It seemed too simple to think that one will blog about one's life. Kind of like a memoir, a time-tracker, an event and emotion tracker.. but is it really that simple??? I have always dreamt of being a genuine writer, a serious one, a writer who will one day spew out 300 pages of a best seller. A best seller that will capture this writer's life and experiences. Maybe a best seller that is a selection of short stories that reflect Kerala or maybe just my life and the lives of people I know. And believe me, I have tried .. ha ha :D It was a joke... cos I just stopped half way. I just didnt have the patience to document the characters of my GREAT INDIAN DREAM! Well, woe be me and all's well with the world cos I have still not Found What It Takes to write that damned novel... in the meanwhile, I continue to salvage my cravings by penning this blog :)

Today aint that day!

So, what's new? Nothing is new at my end surprisingly enuf, this being my first post of year 2009 and all! I wish I could write about a new feeling, a premonition about a better year, about raindrops and sunshine and dewdrops and kittens. About lovely beginnings filled with hope and sad farewells bid to 2008!! Big deal... the new year is in and has anything earth shattering happened yet in my life? I guess its kind of negative and that's usually soooooo not who I am but, I feel the same :(

Do I feel the need to renew, reinvent, polish, find, better or redo myself? Maybe through resolutions, conversations, introspections and solutions? Nah.... I really dont! I wish I had resolutions to look forward to "punish myself" with... atleast my own. Since I didnt have any, I borrowed one from a friend.

I am going vegetarian for a month (and no alcohol either) :D. I must confess that I thought it would be bloody difficult to go "lacto ovo" vegetarian (for all you uninitialised non-vegetarians out there, that means that my diet can include dairy products and eggs)... It's been 8 whole days and frankly it aint that bad :). I know, I know.. even I thought the carnivorous non vegetarian me will break down after a week max (as I have so many times before) and give up the damn diet and claim that resolutions are after all meant to be broken. But surprise, surprise.... and I must admit this is one of the biggest ones yet... I am okay!!! :D
I have not broken down yet, have not yet felt those hunger pangs which oddly enuf I feel the moment I feel I am depriving my body of non-veg... I actually crave for non-veg like an addict! But this time round I am okay. I really am.. in a very happy, smiley, non-frowny way....

Its weird.. for me atleast, cos this is a novelty. I do miss eating sea food like I would miss a good old friend of mine. But I feel nothing.... Absolutely nothing.. nada, zilch craving for red meat or chicken....

Maybe in a way I am growing up (tho I am thinking this is some kind of mental imbalance)... Growin up - ah, lemme explain why I said that one. Because, I have always admired people around me, friends, colleagues and family and even acquaintances for that matter who can make up their mind and stick to it. Do I seem delinquent (that's maybe because I am)??? I do the things I like... I dont do the things I dont like. So life is pretty much simple for me that way. If I have to make up my mind to stick to something... then that almost always means that I am forcing myself to do something I dont entirely like or want to do BUT am doing because it's good for me. So therefore, I generally dont stick to doing the things I have Resolved to do because in a couple of days my dislike for the Thing I Have Resolved To Do has become so acute, I just cant do it. Therefore - I admire the people who do things They Have Resolved To Do. Its plain admirable... it shows character (or whatever)...:)

Now, this is why I think I have grown up this year....cos I have always thought man!.... I am not Grown Up or Determined enough to do this. The day I find Determination, which is what separates a fake grown up (like me) from a real grown up person, I am on my way to Growing Up. I shall start doing things I dont like but I should like.

Or maybe I am just plain tried of feeling ambivalent about murdering innocent animals. God alone knows cos I have no idea what's going on with me.

I wish I could also be Grown Up about the people in my life. The "people in my life" are the mysterious beings who control my emotions, my days, my actions to a great extent. I guess being Grown Up also means we get used to being taken for granted. Am I okay with being taken for granted? NO! Not now... not ever!! But then that's what I thought about being vegetarian (even for a brief period) - not now... not ever - and look where that got me today!! So maybe there will come a day when I will get used to Being a Grown Up in another way. But it doesn't look like that day is today... cos I hate being taken for granted. I hate being yelled at. And most certainly do not appreciate "the people in my life" thinking its okay to be callous and insensitive when I am chumming... I mean I am seriously bleeding to death here.. Can't I be afforded some space to be Weird and Irritated? Have mercy man...

Maybe when I Grow Up somemore... Ill learn to behave like I am perfectly normal all round the month, every month, all year... But that day aint today!

So there goes my first post of the New Year - '09! Depressing aye? Well... too bad cos I aint about to Grow Up anymore right now.. poor ol' delinquent me is all I have to offer and maybe a few happier posts later on... so HAPPY NEW YEAR amigos! :)