Leaf-thoughts

There is so much to write and no sense in gathering my thoughts. They are like autumn leaves on a windy day. All over the place. No rake is strong enough and now that i introspect - do I really want to gather them? I would rather walk like a loner in a park, looking at each leaf-thought individually. Pick them up and see the lines that makes each leaf-thought special - let each one tell me its own story in its own language.

I walk along and they swirl around me. Its actually kind of liberating. Like there were a million butterflies in my mind and now they have all just flown out. Beautiful. A profusion of colors and the soundless whoosh of fluttering wings. Silent somehow... and surreal.

I see myself retreating into that quiet place in my head. Where nothing hurts. Nothing matters. I had forgotten what it feels like to be vulnerable. Does not feel that great. The space in my mind is my park - green and fresh, its my very own cathedral - dark, soothing, confessional, cool and spacious. I do not see the Cross or the priest. But I do feel God there.

It is like watching myself from inside. My mom says that there is grief and sadness in this world because it is only in those times that we remember God. I agree. When I am happy, I never come to this place and it is only here that I feel that presence. Where I find myself. untouched, unadulterated and absolutely separate from the world. Untainted by anybody. I guess I have to get out soon ... but for now I am happy here.