God must be a man

So here I am today, itching to write. There is so much to say … and the scatter brain that I am, it seems almost impossible to put down all of my helter-skelter thoughts into words. So I shall attempt by trying to word my thoughts.

I have always fancied myself a writer. Not in a concrete thought process which adds upto – passion for writing+extreme imagination+some knowledge of the English language which = the great Indian dream author! Just as a scribe.. a general scribbler who likes hearing her own voice through words (mostly because my love for my own voice is not greatly shared by others) J Generally the reaction is – gosh, is she on another one of those lecture/analytical/God-knows-what trips? Right, then let’s scoot… And these guys are my FRIENDS J But to be fair – even the aam janatha who can listen to a Swamyji or a politician go on for hours about some gobbledygook will not be able to bear my discourse – that’s cos my thought process just ain’t organized. See – even now I have digressed so much from what I originally wanted to say! J

Today, I woke up in extreme pain like somebody had run a jeep over my lower belly only to realize that I had been afflicted by my “monthly curse” (to put it politely cos I have a few other choice words for this particular problem). As I bathed and got dressed for work, I kept thinking that life just is not fair. I popped a couple of (life-saving) pills and felt lightheaded enuf to not feel the pain anymore and all I could still think was that life just aint fair. GOD MUST BE A MAN. Being a liberalist (or whatever fancy word it is that describes somebody like me) I have always thought that God is “Ardhanareeshwaran”. This means an equal being who is both man and woman!! No wonder men rule the world. No matter how much I wish to bang my head on the walls of history and cry out about the emancipation of women and equalism and even about how women today achieve far more than the socially accepted capabilities of a man – men still rule. I will try and describe why I think so below….

When I was a kid – my life was ruled by my brother. According to him – that was necessary cos Dad was always abroad and he was the Man of the house… ppppshaawww!! I will tell u how - being five years older than me – he actually took me for a ride for quite a bit. The next bit is truly emotional scarring, so DO NOT LAUGH - I was the “fielder” for any cricket match – I had the most important and glorious job of running around and collecting the balls which the real players ‘smashed’ around the field – the real players being my brother and his cronies or our older cousins. I can’t say any of the younger ones saw any better treatment but they were certainly better off being boys cos at least they weren’t “just silly young gals”!! I was the shuttle cork “procurer and manager” during a grand game of badminton and I was “it”, the “catcher” or whatever during Hide-and-Seek… During Dodge Ball – I was the first one to be targeted.. so on and so forth (assuming that my general situation and position during any game is quite clear – it was the worst and most menial one) – and that’s how he ruled my life till I left “the field” for good and settled down to being an indoors person. Thereafter loud music was my great enemy cos it was officially the right of the angst filled teenage boy to blast the entire house apart with some screaming metal crap music while everybody else was trying to watch TV or read a book or just sleep.

Then I escaped that ghetto to get to another one (not be mistaken because my brother and I are great friends now and always will be provided that we never have to share a house EVER again)!! :D The “another one” in the previous sentence is college!! Gosh – my Profs ruled my life there (along with Shiv Sena) and the worst of them had to be men. I still remember Jaibhai. Professor Jaibhai. He used to teach us contracts and I passionately hated that guy. No one could understand what he was saying and yet we had to smile and laugh at his silly jokes (after first ensuring that the local students were also laughing at his jokes)!! He controlled practicals and marks thereto.. so now you know!!

After five years of madness – I was sure that I had attained emancipation when I started working. But all of my senior management (I am the legal counsel for a small sized IT-BPO company in Bangalore) are MEN. Obviously I cannot explain to them that: (a) I have a “monthly curse” which incapacitates me for a day in a month when all I want to do is sleep and feel sorry for myself – not pop pills (which could potentially harm me in the future) and come to work; (b) I hate traveling every morning by Rickshaw for 15 kilometres one way; and last but not the least (c) I really do not like nasty jokes about anybody and nor do I like jokes about women or gay people. They are actually really nice people but I guess I see these as my own challenges in my workplace where a bunch of MEN rule my life!

And I see that ultimately I have been so conditioned to my world being ruled by a man that I actually seek in my life partner/BF/whoever significant other to be a MAN who is “worthy” of ruling me and my life. I do not want you all at any point to see this death wish in an absolute sense. I do not want to be dominated like we are still living in 19th century India or anything. Its just that I really need a man who is “emotionally strong”, socially dominant and whom I can respect enough to be sure that I can go to him for advice or talk to him about anything and I will receive an intelligent response which I might be able to use.
So, as I write today, all high and happy after a couple of painkillers, I realize that life is not fair, God is a man and that I like the fact that I am looking for (and maybe have already found) a man who is MAN ENOUGH TO BE MY MAN (courtesy Sheryl Crowe) :D So much for my (s)’crib’ble!!