Today I was obsessed for a large part of my day with my blog template! I kept changing, viewing, pre-viewing, re-customizing and re-setting. I wanted it to be unique and crazy and forever. I wanted 'it' to reflect the madness, the wander-lust, the love for the written and spoken word, the love for obsession...the template i.e. :) And then I have finally come to one which I like, just about, which nobody else I know has (but millions of other unknown bloggers do).
I know why I obsessed. Cos my blog is me. Its mea papyrus and I am the Scribe! So I wished that it would magically transform into all that I am. After a good long three scattered hours of obsession, I have given up. I am happy with the current one and God knows I might change this one tomorrow. But for now - this is me! Hey there... :)
Monday, December 22, 2008
How was I to know?
And when one thinks that all is over… then a slim, almost non existent ray of light creeps into your life – it’s a nature of the light. You almost do not see it and it almost does not light your way. But you feel it, you feel the warmth. You know there is a crack somewhere in the dark, thunderous cloud over your life. You race around with your head raised to the sky, hoping to catch that glimmering ray. Because you know that once you find it, there is hope. You can reach out and tear open the crack in the cumulonimbus, before it unleashes its thunder and storm on you, to see the beautiful, blue, clear sky atop.
The radiance has a mind of its own, it keeps appearing and vanishing, tantalizing the one who needs its presence, like a glow worm in the dark for the lonely traveler. Like I said before, it has a nature of its own, a mind of its own. The radiance, the hope, the light - must be coveted for, must be wanted and desired passionately before it reveals itself to the onlooker. The searcher must dream of the light to see the light. Oh! and what joy it is to see the whitness, the pureness of the light, after one has scaled the peaks of sorrow…
You are my light. You are my radiance. You are the brightness in my sunshine and the hope in my eyes. The spark in my soul and what makes me whole. You are my light. How was I to know?
I didn’t know it when I saw you. I didn’t recognize it when I spoke to you. How ordinary that day was when I met you!! Neither did the ground beneath my feet shake nor did the skies tremble. Your face didn’t call out to me and you voice didn’t speak to me. How ordinary it was. How extraordinary the ordinariness seems today. I had waited for you all my life and I didn’t know you. I have wondered many times over, as to how that could have been?! How can events of so much relevance and importance transpire without any indication of its importance? I guess my Earth life had conditioned me to look for bells ringing or a siren blaring somewhere in the darkness, as it always does when people or events wish to make themselves known, their presence felt, an attempt to warn the unprepared traveller that it is coming along. I waited for that siren all my life. And it never came.
I thought that the ringing of the bells were just a fantasy I had downloaded from all the fairy tales I had read, from all the perfect romances I had absorbed like a beached whale absorbs sunlight. Helplessly I had sunk lower into the depths of expectation for a sign, from above or within, as my life swished by me. But how ordinary the beginning was.
I remember our conversations as with any friend of mine. One who didn’t mean the world to me. One who was just an acquaintance. I remember the rides we have shared together and the roads seemed the same, the music blaring from your car stereo… I remember when our hands brushed together – you were changing your gears – and though I felt a slight frission of pleasure that touch induces as a sense, I am amazed that I felt nothing more.
And then I was in the depths of pain brought on by my love for another. I wallowed in it, oblivious to the world around me, outside me. I was thrown around helplessly in its churning waters and sharp-edged rocks. I was rejuvenated and yet torn apart by the pain I had felt. I was falling straight through the void left by the sudden absence of someone no longer beloved. And I saw the crack in the clouds above. A wee bit of luminosity was streaming through. I swam after it, chased like never before, thinking it to be the rope that would save me from the sea of bitterness I was choking in. I held on as the beam of light lifted me up and above the sharp claws of the witch named despair. I looked around as I made it past the dragons guarding my sorrow so that I could thank the kind being who had shown me a way out.
And I saw you. Like I had never seen you before. You shined like an angel, I heard the bells ringing, I felt my heart soaring. And all I thought was – How corny all this is!! This is so picture perfect, so like my girlish dreams that this could not be real. I believed I had made you from the ethereal fabric of my imagination. Woe be on me… the cynic that I was, the cynic that I could kill by finding solace in being able to blame the world for creating the former me.
Cos you proved us all wrong. You proved that everything is still right with the world. You showed me that my life was not just depths of depression, solace in J. Krishnamurti, bumpy rickshaw rides, suffocating pollution, wayward siblings, hollering family or interfering neighbors.
As I contemplate my life today, content as a lazy feline who has and is still having her share of the cream - I see that I am blessed. Blessed by my pain, my sorrow, my guilt, my cynicism, my conscience. I am blessed with you. So here I tell you - with no shame or ego. My life is you. My days and nights are you. My joy is you. My everyday is you. Thank you.
The radiance has a mind of its own, it keeps appearing and vanishing, tantalizing the one who needs its presence, like a glow worm in the dark for the lonely traveler. Like I said before, it has a nature of its own, a mind of its own. The radiance, the hope, the light - must be coveted for, must be wanted and desired passionately before it reveals itself to the onlooker. The searcher must dream of the light to see the light. Oh! and what joy it is to see the whitness, the pureness of the light, after one has scaled the peaks of sorrow…
You are my light. You are my radiance. You are the brightness in my sunshine and the hope in my eyes. The spark in my soul and what makes me whole. You are my light. How was I to know?
I didn’t know it when I saw you. I didn’t recognize it when I spoke to you. How ordinary that day was when I met you!! Neither did the ground beneath my feet shake nor did the skies tremble. Your face didn’t call out to me and you voice didn’t speak to me. How ordinary it was. How extraordinary the ordinariness seems today. I had waited for you all my life and I didn’t know you. I have wondered many times over, as to how that could have been?! How can events of so much relevance and importance transpire without any indication of its importance? I guess my Earth life had conditioned me to look for bells ringing or a siren blaring somewhere in the darkness, as it always does when people or events wish to make themselves known, their presence felt, an attempt to warn the unprepared traveller that it is coming along. I waited for that siren all my life. And it never came.
I thought that the ringing of the bells were just a fantasy I had downloaded from all the fairy tales I had read, from all the perfect romances I had absorbed like a beached whale absorbs sunlight. Helplessly I had sunk lower into the depths of expectation for a sign, from above or within, as my life swished by me. But how ordinary the beginning was.
I remember our conversations as with any friend of mine. One who didn’t mean the world to me. One who was just an acquaintance. I remember the rides we have shared together and the roads seemed the same, the music blaring from your car stereo… I remember when our hands brushed together – you were changing your gears – and though I felt a slight frission of pleasure that touch induces as a sense, I am amazed that I felt nothing more.
And then I was in the depths of pain brought on by my love for another. I wallowed in it, oblivious to the world around me, outside me. I was thrown around helplessly in its churning waters and sharp-edged rocks. I was rejuvenated and yet torn apart by the pain I had felt. I was falling straight through the void left by the sudden absence of someone no longer beloved. And I saw the crack in the clouds above. A wee bit of luminosity was streaming through. I swam after it, chased like never before, thinking it to be the rope that would save me from the sea of bitterness I was choking in. I held on as the beam of light lifted me up and above the sharp claws of the witch named despair. I looked around as I made it past the dragons guarding my sorrow so that I could thank the kind being who had shown me a way out.
And I saw you. Like I had never seen you before. You shined like an angel, I heard the bells ringing, I felt my heart soaring. And all I thought was – How corny all this is!! This is so picture perfect, so like my girlish dreams that this could not be real. I believed I had made you from the ethereal fabric of my imagination. Woe be on me… the cynic that I was, the cynic that I could kill by finding solace in being able to blame the world for creating the former me.
Cos you proved us all wrong. You proved that everything is still right with the world. You showed me that my life was not just depths of depression, solace in J. Krishnamurti, bumpy rickshaw rides, suffocating pollution, wayward siblings, hollering family or interfering neighbors.
As I contemplate my life today, content as a lazy feline who has and is still having her share of the cream - I see that I am blessed. Blessed by my pain, my sorrow, my guilt, my cynicism, my conscience. I am blessed with you. So here I tell you - with no shame or ego. My life is you. My days and nights are you. My joy is you. My everyday is you. Thank you.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Traveller..
There are so many people we bleed for. Is it true that they really do not know about it? Can it be possible? The ones you care about - friends, family, just-some-vague-people-but-you-really-like them-types - all of them end up slighting you or hurting your emotions at some point... Obviously I am no angel. So I have nothing to (seemingly) complain about - I must feature on somebody else's you-have-hurt-me lsit. But if your loved one (say like a sister or a brother) seems to prefer your neighbour's home more than yours... then obviously life has a message for you. Either something is wrong cos you are wallowing like a docile water buffalo in some self pity and wailing loudly or you have just grown apart. I can't decide whether that's good or bad. I guess some times in life its just better to stand by the lines and watch life as it walks by... My life is right now a little bit of so many things - a little dark, loads of happy cos I am listening to Lionel Ritchie and a lot better than I could have possibly thought it to be would be a few months back. But life is just ambling by... parallel roads of experiences just keep winding along. And each road seems so disconnected from another.
A road is a journey of happiness with someone, another one is botheration with trivial issues, another one is that of a harassed employee (mostly happy but sometimes harassed) and there is another road which one travels with one's sibling and watches that one walking faster and farther away and you feel like your heart is exploding but there is nothing you can do. So many roads of contradictions... so many roads entwined with so many emotions. And we travel all of those roads simultaneously...
I am a traveller and and I am mixed bag of emotions now. But there is an intersection somewhere where all of these roads converge and all I will feel is happiness right?... Maybe peace!
A road is a journey of happiness with someone, another one is botheration with trivial issues, another one is that of a harassed employee (mostly happy but sometimes harassed) and there is another road which one travels with one's sibling and watches that one walking faster and farther away and you feel like your heart is exploding but there is nothing you can do. So many roads of contradictions... so many roads entwined with so many emotions. And we travel all of those roads simultaneously...
I am a traveller and and I am mixed bag of emotions now. But there is an intersection somewhere where all of these roads converge and all I will feel is happiness right?... Maybe peace!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Fragile worlds...
Contemplating reality... Thats what I was doing today in the half an hour break that I had before the Board Meeting commenced. We live in such a fragile world. Our world, the world around us, our colleagues' world... There are so many. Worlds within worlds. Tiny microcosms of life, blood and heart beats, beating within the worlds that engulf them. My world has changed so rapidly in the last few months. "From where to where!!" sounds like a joke, instead of a phrase, in light of the distance and space that I have crossed, within and without!
My colleague's world changed drastically when he lost his wife in a Deepavali mishap. She had leaned over to call out for kids who were bursting crackers and her 'nightie' caught fire from a diya on the floor. One day she is there - mother, wife, daughter, sister, neighbour, architect, confidante and the next day she is a charred and burnt remnant of who she used to be. Without trivializing the pain she underwent, I wanted to cry for my colleague more than anything else and did so. He was a shell of who he used to be. Jovial, friendly and always a riot, today he is a numb person and smiles emptily.
A lot of us who make up the 'working force' of the company that employs me, marvels - not without trepidation - at the alarming fall of revenue and the rate at which we are having to chnage the internal structure of the company.
Then came along the Mumbai blasts. Some people thought it was one of the worst tragedies to strike us! Again, not to trivialise the event or the lives that were lost or the pain that was unleased or the wealths that were destroyed - but is this truly the worst tragedy? What about the Bhopal Gas tragedy? What about Godhra? What about the Babari Masjid riots? These do not feature in the largest terrorist tragedies to hit us because WE were responsible for those. We do not have Pakistan to blame for it. We have ourselves and our politics and our government. So we pick up and move on...
Our worlds are so fragile... so fragile that we ignore our internal tumors and concentrate on external cancers, so fragile that we never contemplate our lives without our loved ones as that is too terrible to even think about, so fragile that people do not believe rumors of down sizing or "right -sizing" till they get the pink slip....
How do we go on? For how long can we hold on??
Snapshot of the NOW!
I fast forward from the past to here and now - the difference is inexplicable. Lovelorn and love-lost I stood and there you came by... you smiled at me and you took all of my troubles for your own. You were superperson-sans-spandex! :)
We are nothing but mirrors refelecting each other... the images are infinite and similar and yet so clear. We merge and emerge - triumphant, naked and redeemed. Redeemed of our past mistakes, past expectations and past torrents of pure, unadulterated lack of living... As I see my life today, I know that I am in the lead. I have always challenged life to beat me but today we hold hands and gaze at US together. I feel. Now I know why I was and why I am!
You are the shade I never had for fear of the Sun, you are the shadow I never had for fear of the light, you are the friend I never had for fear of confession, you are so much more than I can imagine or explicate because explanations require lucidity of thought, of comprehension and of acceptance. I have none of these to give. I am not even sure of what is within. But whatever it is, elusive and beautiful it sure is… and I shall forever cherish this snapshot of my present as it is sublime in its purity, it is untouched in my memories and it is virginal because it is in silo in my soul….
Thank you.....
We are nothing but mirrors refelecting each other... the images are infinite and similar and yet so clear. We merge and emerge - triumphant, naked and redeemed. Redeemed of our past mistakes, past expectations and past torrents of pure, unadulterated lack of living... As I see my life today, I know that I am in the lead. I have always challenged life to beat me but today we hold hands and gaze at US together. I feel. Now I know why I was and why I am!
You are the shade I never had for fear of the Sun, you are the shadow I never had for fear of the light, you are the friend I never had for fear of confession, you are so much more than I can imagine or explicate because explanations require lucidity of thought, of comprehension and of acceptance. I have none of these to give. I am not even sure of what is within. But whatever it is, elusive and beautiful it sure is… and I shall forever cherish this snapshot of my present as it is sublime in its purity, it is untouched in my memories and it is virginal because it is in silo in my soul….
Thank you.....
Gazing into the past...
I wud really appreciate it if u wud sit down and write things that u like and dont like about me. Please remember that certain traits that we cant understand about the other person- I mean the ones we cant relate to seem endearing and if ur not they will be irritating -is the difference between love and affection. We love also because of such traits.... we dont love in spite of them!!!!!When u love somebody in spite of "anything that u see as a failing", that isnt love... Not according to me. Its something else...a glorifying act that we are in cos we want to feel good about ourselves. This also the difference between being in a relationship "in spite of" and compromising. A compromise is complete. We compromise cos we love.....I will not be upset anymore if u dont pamper or praise... I will teach myself... in fact am teaching myself. I have to be who I am and I know that I cant hold myself back. Expression is me!!!! One day... I will be a burnt out woman and that day I will pack my bags and go on a world tour by myself. THAT is a promise and I will keep it. I know somewhere in u, u also think that i am arrogant and will be spoilt by u if u indulge me like that. U have never understood me that way and probably never seen beyond all the attitude. I know myself and I am not going to say anything more cos ur gonna sneer and say 'yeah right'!!!! Dont worry. I know what I am worth.... But it wud have meant a lot if u had atleast once shown me or told that I am special to u.
The relationship that I have envisaged... the 'perfect one' that is.... always had me in the loving angle and the guy in the ' i-cant-live-without-my-girl-she-taught-me-love-she-makes-my-life-heaven-i-cherish-every-moment-there-will-be-no-woman-like-her ever-I- am indeed-blessed-to have been -with her( cos the perfect relationship is gonna end in marriage ) angle... That is what I mean by special.... But I now guess its very need oriented. And so is just a lotta baloney that happens in books and autobiographies.... I mean u can always lie about it. Who's gonna know. It will make u feel good and give the other person 'hope' cos to have such a thing is truly magical. We have forgotten magic... the beauty of it... and we have stopped believing in it.
What are we going to do?
The relationship that I have envisaged... the 'perfect one' that is.... always had me in the loving angle and the guy in the ' i-cant-live-without-my-girl-she-taught-me-love-she-makes-my-life-heaven-i-cherish-every-moment-there-will-be-no-woman-like-her ever-I- am indeed-blessed-to have been -with her( cos the perfect relationship is gonna end in marriage ) angle... That is what I mean by special.... But I now guess its very need oriented. And so is just a lotta baloney that happens in books and autobiographies.... I mean u can always lie about it. Who's gonna know. It will make u feel good and give the other person 'hope' cos to have such a thing is truly magical. We have forgotten magic... the beauty of it... and we have stopped believing in it.
What are we going to do?
God must be a man
So here I am today, itching to write. There is so much to say … and the scatter brain that I am, it seems almost impossible to put down all of my helter-skelter thoughts into words. So I shall attempt by trying to word my thoughts.
I have always fancied myself a writer. Not in a concrete thought process which adds upto – passion for writing+extreme imagination+some knowledge of the English language which = the great Indian dream author! Just as a scribe.. a general scribbler who likes hearing her own voice through words (mostly because my love for my own voice is not greatly shared by others) J Generally the reaction is – gosh, is she on another one of those lecture/analytical/God-knows-what trips? Right, then let’s scoot… And these guys are my FRIENDS J But to be fair – even the aam janatha who can listen to a Swamyji or a politician go on for hours about some gobbledygook will not be able to bear my discourse – that’s cos my thought process just ain’t organized. See – even now I have digressed so much from what I originally wanted to say! J
Today, I woke up in extreme pain like somebody had run a jeep over my lower belly only to realize that I had been afflicted by my “monthly curse” (to put it politely cos I have a few other choice words for this particular problem). As I bathed and got dressed for work, I kept thinking that life just is not fair. I popped a couple of (life-saving) pills and felt lightheaded enuf to not feel the pain anymore and all I could still think was that life just aint fair. GOD MUST BE A MAN. Being a liberalist (or whatever fancy word it is that describes somebody like me) I have always thought that God is “Ardhanareeshwaran”. This means an equal being who is both man and woman!! No wonder men rule the world. No matter how much I wish to bang my head on the walls of history and cry out about the emancipation of women and equalism and even about how women today achieve far more than the socially accepted capabilities of a man – men still rule. I will try and describe why I think so below….
When I was a kid – my life was ruled by my brother. According to him – that was necessary cos Dad was always abroad and he was the Man of the house… ppppshaawww!! I will tell u how - being five years older than me – he actually took me for a ride for quite a bit. The next bit is truly emotional scarring, so DO NOT LAUGH - I was the “fielder” for any cricket match – I had the most important and glorious job of running around and collecting the balls which the real players ‘smashed’ around the field – the real players being my brother and his cronies or our older cousins. I can’t say any of the younger ones saw any better treatment but they were certainly better off being boys cos at least they weren’t “just silly young gals”!! I was the shuttle cork “procurer and manager” during a grand game of badminton and I was “it”, the “catcher” or whatever during Hide-and-Seek… During Dodge Ball – I was the first one to be targeted.. so on and so forth (assuming that my general situation and position during any game is quite clear – it was the worst and most menial one) – and that’s how he ruled my life till I left “the field” for good and settled down to being an indoors person. Thereafter loud music was my great enemy cos it was officially the right of the angst filled teenage boy to blast the entire house apart with some screaming metal crap music while everybody else was trying to watch TV or read a book or just sleep.
Then I escaped that ghetto to get to another one (not be mistaken because my brother and I are great friends now and always will be provided that we never have to share a house EVER again)!! :D The “another one” in the previous sentence is college!! Gosh – my Profs ruled my life there (along with Shiv Sena) and the worst of them had to be men. I still remember Jaibhai. Professor Jaibhai. He used to teach us contracts and I passionately hated that guy. No one could understand what he was saying and yet we had to smile and laugh at his silly jokes (after first ensuring that the local students were also laughing at his jokes)!! He controlled practicals and marks thereto.. so now you know!!
After five years of madness – I was sure that I had attained emancipation when I started working. But all of my senior management (I am the legal counsel for a small sized IT-BPO company in Bangalore) are MEN. Obviously I cannot explain to them that: (a) I have a “monthly curse” which incapacitates me for a day in a month when all I want to do is sleep and feel sorry for myself – not pop pills (which could potentially harm me in the future) and come to work; (b) I hate traveling every morning by Rickshaw for 15 kilometres one way; and last but not the least (c) I really do not like nasty jokes about anybody and nor do I like jokes about women or gay people. They are actually really nice people but I guess I see these as my own challenges in my workplace where a bunch of MEN rule my life!
And I see that ultimately I have been so conditioned to my world being ruled by a man that I actually seek in my life partner/BF/whoever significant other to be a MAN who is “worthy” of ruling me and my life. I do not want you all at any point to see this death wish in an absolute sense. I do not want to be dominated like we are still living in 19th century India or anything. Its just that I really need a man who is “emotionally strong”, socially dominant and whom I can respect enough to be sure that I can go to him for advice or talk to him about anything and I will receive an intelligent response which I might be able to use.
So, as I write today, all high and happy after a couple of painkillers, I realize that life is not fair, God is a man and that I like the fact that I am looking for (and maybe have already found) a man who is MAN ENOUGH TO BE MY MAN (courtesy Sheryl Crowe) :D So much for my (s)’crib’ble!!
I have always fancied myself a writer. Not in a concrete thought process which adds upto – passion for writing+extreme imagination+some knowledge of the English language which = the great Indian dream author! Just as a scribe.. a general scribbler who likes hearing her own voice through words (mostly because my love for my own voice is not greatly shared by others) J Generally the reaction is – gosh, is she on another one of those lecture/analytical/God-knows-what trips? Right, then let’s scoot… And these guys are my FRIENDS J But to be fair – even the aam janatha who can listen to a Swamyji or a politician go on for hours about some gobbledygook will not be able to bear my discourse – that’s cos my thought process just ain’t organized. See – even now I have digressed so much from what I originally wanted to say! J
Today, I woke up in extreme pain like somebody had run a jeep over my lower belly only to realize that I had been afflicted by my “monthly curse” (to put it politely cos I have a few other choice words for this particular problem). As I bathed and got dressed for work, I kept thinking that life just is not fair. I popped a couple of (life-saving) pills and felt lightheaded enuf to not feel the pain anymore and all I could still think was that life just aint fair. GOD MUST BE A MAN. Being a liberalist (or whatever fancy word it is that describes somebody like me) I have always thought that God is “Ardhanareeshwaran”. This means an equal being who is both man and woman!! No wonder men rule the world. No matter how much I wish to bang my head on the walls of history and cry out about the emancipation of women and equalism and even about how women today achieve far more than the socially accepted capabilities of a man – men still rule. I will try and describe why I think so below….
When I was a kid – my life was ruled by my brother. According to him – that was necessary cos Dad was always abroad and he was the Man of the house… ppppshaawww!! I will tell u how - being five years older than me – he actually took me for a ride for quite a bit. The next bit is truly emotional scarring, so DO NOT LAUGH - I was the “fielder” for any cricket match – I had the most important and glorious job of running around and collecting the balls which the real players ‘smashed’ around the field – the real players being my brother and his cronies or our older cousins. I can’t say any of the younger ones saw any better treatment but they were certainly better off being boys cos at least they weren’t “just silly young gals”!! I was the shuttle cork “procurer and manager” during a grand game of badminton and I was “it”, the “catcher” or whatever during Hide-and-Seek… During Dodge Ball – I was the first one to be targeted.. so on and so forth (assuming that my general situation and position during any game is quite clear – it was the worst and most menial one) – and that’s how he ruled my life till I left “the field” for good and settled down to being an indoors person. Thereafter loud music was my great enemy cos it was officially the right of the angst filled teenage boy to blast the entire house apart with some screaming metal crap music while everybody else was trying to watch TV or read a book or just sleep.
Then I escaped that ghetto to get to another one (not be mistaken because my brother and I are great friends now and always will be provided that we never have to share a house EVER again)!! :D The “another one” in the previous sentence is college!! Gosh – my Profs ruled my life there (along with Shiv Sena) and the worst of them had to be men. I still remember Jaibhai. Professor Jaibhai. He used to teach us contracts and I passionately hated that guy. No one could understand what he was saying and yet we had to smile and laugh at his silly jokes (after first ensuring that the local students were also laughing at his jokes)!! He controlled practicals and marks thereto.. so now you know!!
After five years of madness – I was sure that I had attained emancipation when I started working. But all of my senior management (I am the legal counsel for a small sized IT-BPO company in Bangalore) are MEN. Obviously I cannot explain to them that: (a) I have a “monthly curse” which incapacitates me for a day in a month when all I want to do is sleep and feel sorry for myself – not pop pills (which could potentially harm me in the future) and come to work; (b) I hate traveling every morning by Rickshaw for 15 kilometres one way; and last but not the least (c) I really do not like nasty jokes about anybody and nor do I like jokes about women or gay people. They are actually really nice people but I guess I see these as my own challenges in my workplace where a bunch of MEN rule my life!
And I see that ultimately I have been so conditioned to my world being ruled by a man that I actually seek in my life partner/BF/whoever significant other to be a MAN who is “worthy” of ruling me and my life. I do not want you all at any point to see this death wish in an absolute sense. I do not want to be dominated like we are still living in 19th century India or anything. Its just that I really need a man who is “emotionally strong”, socially dominant and whom I can respect enough to be sure that I can go to him for advice or talk to him about anything and I will receive an intelligent response which I might be able to use.
So, as I write today, all high and happy after a couple of painkillers, I realize that life is not fair, God is a man and that I like the fact that I am looking for (and maybe have already found) a man who is MAN ENOUGH TO BE MY MAN (courtesy Sheryl Crowe) :D So much for my (s)’crib’ble!!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
love and demons
I have come to a point in my life where I must leave people, circumstances, ashes and myself behind me. I am literally quite tired of whatever it is that I have made - my life, my demons. They must after all be our creations, if they are in our minds and heads.
So, I'm abandoning most of my demons, my emotional crutches, the guys who got me through all my emotional screw-ups cos they took on the blame for my (in)actions and my imaginative getaways which helped me get thro life. I need to start over again. A new person. Simply because I'm tired or, even worse, lazy or here is a scary thought - maybe Im in love with life again - in love with my today. Ever been stretched so bad that you thought you'd snap? Ever hated or loved anything about you so much that you needed to stop, step outta your life and disappear? Well, I've decided to quieten all the (in)sane voices in my head for once and do the craziest thing anybody could possibly do if they were a combination of my mind and mindlessness. I've decided to brush off from my system the idea that some things/situations are necessary for my happiness and install in its place the idea that most of these things are, at best, desirable. I'm quitting my old demons and so far I'm at peace - which does not mean much but is a good sign considering that I have abandoned them only five minutes ago. I will be with him and all will be well with my world.
So, I'm abandoning most of my demons, my emotional crutches, the guys who got me through all my emotional screw-ups cos they took on the blame for my (in)actions and my imaginative getaways which helped me get thro life. I need to start over again. A new person. Simply because I'm tired or, even worse, lazy or here is a scary thought - maybe Im in love with life again - in love with my today. Ever been stretched so bad that you thought you'd snap? Ever hated or loved anything about you so much that you needed to stop, step outta your life and disappear? Well, I've decided to quieten all the (in)sane voices in my head for once and do the craziest thing anybody could possibly do if they were a combination of my mind and mindlessness. I've decided to brush off from my system the idea that some things/situations are necessary for my happiness and install in its place the idea that most of these things are, at best, desirable. I'm quitting my old demons and so far I'm at peace - which does not mean much but is a good sign considering that I have abandoned them only five minutes ago. I will be with him and all will be well with my world.
Monday, December 8, 2008
FaceBooking...
I was just FaceBooking as I write and I realized that one of the only things I really like about it is the convenience with which I can keep in touch with my friends. It is quite violative (now that i think about it) when one thinks about how impersonal and un-private it has made each of our lives. Now, I know when X (who might be a friend's chacha's second cousin) got married and what hundred people had to say about the weddin, the suit, the alcohol that was served or the puking that ensued thereafter! Eeeeeekssssssssss...... I guess this is, after all, social networking... :) I am sorry to say so...its kinda gross but interesting and entertaining!
The last few months...
So much has happened in the last few months in my life that I am not sure as to where to begin. Of course, because I have a fear of documentation (:)) I am obviously not going to create a chronology of events… but nevertheless, so much has been overturned in my own mind, in my life, in my perfect universe....its scary!!! My notions of happiness have been scattered, my dreams of a certain future- though uncertain, unclear and unfulfilling – which seemed like the charted course of my life - have disappeared due to my own choice, a certain future – which never even seemed like a possibility – with a certain friend of mine, seems more and more real as each day grows into the next! Work has moved through several phases of learning, encouragement, disappointment and now what seems like a long wait…
But nevertheless, I am glowing. Like a silly fool. Maybe for a reason and maybe not :) But life, amongst all the insanity, is perfect. I wouldn possibly have my life be any other way.
Shall restrain the rest of the madness for another day and another post…
But nevertheless, I am glowing. Like a silly fool. Maybe for a reason and maybe not :) But life, amongst all the insanity, is perfect. I wouldn possibly have my life be any other way.
Shall restrain the rest of the madness for another day and another post…
Maybe I am not lazy after all...
I tell you I am lazy and then here I am again. Within a few minutes, here I am again blogging. That’s because I am not entirely sure if I have not shared my blogs with anybody because I am lazy. I think it’s the basic fear of documentation. That must be it… I have an unnatural phobia when it comes to putting down things on paper. Ironic... considering that I am a LAWYER :) But emotional stuff is reserved just for the people who are meant to read them. So like I said I just indulge in lovely written conversations when the mood to write strikes me.
So then, why do I feel the need to blog now? I am not sure abt that either. All I know is that I feel this unbeatable need to write, to keep my fingers busy, if you will.. There are millions of thoughts randomly running around in my mind and I need to give them some form, some shape. They must be released and therefore here they are…
Maybe I will share this blog with a few friends… Maybe I will add a few to my list. I don’t know how I am going to go about the formalities of bloggin because I suck at formalities… and paperwork ;) but this is it.. I hope I see this through and that I am able to blog whenever I feel the need to write or talk and no one is around.
So then, why do I feel the need to blog now? I am not sure abt that either. All I know is that I feel this unbeatable need to write, to keep my fingers busy, if you will.. There are millions of thoughts randomly running around in my mind and I need to give them some form, some shape. They must be released and therefore here they are…
Maybe I will share this blog with a few friends… Maybe I will add a few to my list. I don’t know how I am going to go about the formalities of bloggin because I suck at formalities… and paperwork ;) but this is it.. I hope I see this through and that I am able to blog whenever I feel the need to write or talk and no one is around.
How lazy am I?
I have a great friend who blogs regularly and I, fo rone, love reading her blogs. So she asked me once why I didnt blog and I had to tell her that I am too lazy for all that! The truth of it is that I am not sure. I started blogging from the age of 17 (I think) ahem..:) But I stopped cos I couldn remember the name of my OWN blog after a month. So I told myself that I am not meant to do this. Then 12th standard came along and I still blogged... but this time the ol' school way of Writing My Own Diary. As you can imagine, this was not the best idea in the world and my mother not only found my angst filled pages sprouting nonsense (quite fantastically, all of the claptrap I had written back then felt like it came from within....) about the world and my life but also confronted me with my Diary waving in the air. It was humiliating to say the least... and I have to say that if I had read somebody's (not in the least my daughter's) notes which were filled with passionate likes and dislikes, then I might have flipped too... but nevertheless, it was the first kind of violation for me.
So I stopped writing for myself and I started writing to others. Through my five years of law college life, I got through by writing long, winding mails to the BF or several wonderful friends of mine. But thats all that this was till I started writing at this blog.. Havent yet shared this blog ID with a single friend of mine btw! :)
So I stopped writing for myself and I started writing to others. Through my five years of law college life, I got through by writing long, winding mails to the BF or several wonderful friends of mine. But thats all that this was till I started writing at this blog.. Havent yet shared this blog ID with a single friend of mine btw! :)
Friday, September 5, 2008
Getting through work
Does the music one listens to say everything about that person?
I believe it does. I get through my long-winding day at work, work which I quite like doing I must admit, only because of music. But I digress - Music says it all. I shoulod clarify and say that several factors affect the kind of music one listens to.
1. The background of music that one has had (the kind of msuic one has grown up with, if any);
2. Whether lyrics appeal or the beats or both;
3. What is ones perception of music (what kind of music does one think one should listen to);
so on and so forth.
But without going into the details - if you observe a person's taste in music - you know the person. Inside out. And it has never once failed for me. giving examples will only incite cries of generalisation and prejudice.
I grew up in a family where my Mom loved old hindi songs, my brother listened to all the "in" songs to listen to - be it pop between 14 and 19 or rock thereafter and I myself was trained in classical music.
So I grew up with a flavor of all but grew to love any song that suited my mood. But I would still say that my taste in music defines me - the song must be catchy (any language), meaningful, not pop-like but I absolutley love all bollywood masala songs, jazz is reserved for a rainy day and item numbers are meant for disco.
And music defines me cos I cant relate to people who cant relate to music. My kind of music. But if you ask me which is my favorite song or my favorite genre, I would say I am sandwiched between so many, I dont know. I am just a traveller crusing thorugh different realms of music, using discarding, absorbing and yet detached. I cruise high though.
Enough about me - now tell me about you! :)
I believe it does. I get through my long-winding day at work, work which I quite like doing I must admit, only because of music. But I digress - Music says it all. I shoulod clarify and say that several factors affect the kind of music one listens to.
1. The background of music that one has had (the kind of msuic one has grown up with, if any);
2. Whether lyrics appeal or the beats or both;
3. What is ones perception of music (what kind of music does one think one should listen to);
so on and so forth.
But without going into the details - if you observe a person's taste in music - you know the person. Inside out. And it has never once failed for me. giving examples will only incite cries of generalisation and prejudice.
I grew up in a family where my Mom loved old hindi songs, my brother listened to all the "in" songs to listen to - be it pop between 14 and 19 or rock thereafter and I myself was trained in classical music.
So I grew up with a flavor of all but grew to love any song that suited my mood. But I would still say that my taste in music defines me - the song must be catchy (any language), meaningful, not pop-like but I absolutley love all bollywood masala songs, jazz is reserved for a rainy day and item numbers are meant for disco.
And music defines me cos I cant relate to people who cant relate to music. My kind of music. But if you ask me which is my favorite song or my favorite genre, I would say I am sandwiched between so many, I dont know. I am just a traveller crusing thorugh different realms of music, using discarding, absorbing and yet detached. I cruise high though.
Enough about me - now tell me about you! :)
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