Sad fairy tales

This is a post by an atom that got drunk and wrote about love!! :D

I spew and I spew into the ether. In the hope that it stays there. I cant take this anymore. All that gives me hope is that I can spew onto this anon ether. Out of this molecule.

So I have a life which makes me consume substances which SHOULD be made illegal so that I cant be unchained. Unchained is good for order. Its the only way to keep order in the universe. Its the only way to not unleash my power. To avoid an explosion. People LIKE order. Its the chains that keep us bound to Earth. To this reality. SO many people have written about the lack of reality and the joy that find in being an anonymous atom. Then how come people who are clean can't write about a world that entices you to explore?? Why is good, boring? Why is typing so tedious? Why do I write so that nobody can read what I write?

Yet I spew. Cos U are my one true friend. Who will not judge me. My reader who does not know who I am. I do not write about filth or issues that may skewer the thoughts of my readers for even a minute. Yet, I hope that I make you think. Ponder. Suffer!

Before you think about my thoughts tho' tell me why the universe of the internet requires me to type? So that I can share? Balls to sharing!

I dont have a problem with that. And the irony. So I have to be able to type coherently to share my thoughts. Just to think aint enough.

Aha. Ahah. Did I ever believe in love stories? Do I believe in love stories?

That is as good as askin me if I believe in paper planes.

I used to believe in Mythology and romances when I was a kid but when I grew up and I realized when I grew up, that some stories were just the imagination of some mythological characters like Vyasa.

So tell me, is love a myth?

I grew up believing (after reading all my books which told me in SO many ways that life begins and ends in love) that love made a difference to one's will to live or die. And yet, love does not give me the hope to live.

And I have love.

So am I a bigger loser than I think? Than the losers? Than other atomic particles who don't even think? Because they can't think?

I logged onto this so that I could create a new anon ID where I cud say what I wanted. Then I asked myself, " Atom, how many times do u think your post maybe read?" and I told myself, "Never"!! Know why I am confident?? Cos another atom who (claims to love me) does not even hear what I say - cos there is no 'access' to me and even when he GOT ACCESS, he does not even remember that I write. I am an atom who knows how to write. He knows that I write and he loves me - but his memory is flawed and so that handicap includes forgetting that I even have a blog.

I am sure tht he does not even know the name of my blog.

Ha ha.

I do love him though.

Just not enough to ruin my life.

Even a saint can do wrong and people will always take the long way round when it comes to remembering that he was a good person before falling off the bledy saint wagon. I am not afraid of my pride and I believe what I can. Live in the sunshine where your a shade can be lost or found.

I wish the past were behind us and all that we have was TODAY. But today is a long time away. I will while my time away with a Bloody Mary!! Why can't the damn drink be called Cherry Pop or Christmas Red?? At least sounds more cheery and less Bledy :D

Its called Bloody Mary and is my fav. Go figure.

Anyhoo... these aint sent to nobody.

Not even to my life :D The only person who believes that I can write (which I can't as u have figured so far) and he does not even remember that I HAVE A blog!! This is the person I love and have but I guess not ever really be happy with because I have to figure out how to be happy to start with!! :)

I am just a sad little atom who likes to whine and then go back to being part of a molecule.

Toodles!

do i?

do i scare you sometimes? does it feel like i am trying to achieve something or make a point which is not a good thing for you? do you feel judged? like i am more powerful and can will things into being. do u feel like i am trying to be your puppet master? well, i am not.

all i want is to be liked. so if you dont like me then i will try harder. cos i dont like the me that you dont like. trying harder is a desperate attempt and desperation is never pretty. so i may not be pretty now.

bear with me. try to understand who i am. maybe you will see that i am likable. maybe i will still not be. but whatever it is, at least you gave me a chance. thats all that i ask. give us a chance. we maybe friends. maybe we will never get to know. but at least a chance is worth it. dont u think?

out there

i am afloat. in the middle of a meeting and afloat. they think i am taking notes. i am not. this one is not worth it. the snatches that i hear while my laptop is whirring away is more than enough for me to know what is going on. in the meanwhile i am thinking or not and whatever it is, is being printed on this flat, cold white wall.

i see myself sitting there. its eerie. i look like i am really concentrating on something hard. thats funny. i am also smiling. those guys sitting across me must think me mad. but so what. what is madness anyway. it is certainly not smiling. i am moving around. not bad. there is some control over my body. its heady and i feel light headed. i feel a bit nauseated cos i cant feel my stomach. the wind is whizzing through my lungs. i slowly reach out. i see that i can move even if the movements look like i am drowning under water. underwater. maybe i should try some form of swimming. the air around is weightless but could be liquid. i swish my way around. i move out of the office.

funny. i am still scared to fly over a place which does not have a floor. i guess i could fall and die. or atleast break a few bones. fear is so powerful that it even manifests in your manifestations. i cant seem to come down. to hold onto anything solid. so i keep floating on. into the lift and quietly out. i move out of the building. into the fresh air and sunshine. its brilliant. there are colors. swimming in my eyes. i move to a tree and hold on. this is toxic tho. i cant breathe cos of the fumes. i have to move higher up. so i let go. and move upwards. thats better. the wind is in my hair and oh, it is a tad stronger than it was before. i am trying to see below but i am scared. cos i cant control myself anymore. i being thrown around. oh how i wish that i had not left the safety of my body. but here i am. tossed and turned and flung around. oh no. i am freefalling. but not downwards. sidewards. i am moving at an alarming speed. i am narrowly missing clouds of dust, trees, posts and god knows what else. i am going to crash. and suddenly i am not afraid. i see that this may be a good thing. maybe i will crash and wake up. return to my home. maybe. for now, i am still out there trying to find some balance so that i can hurtle to the crash comfortably.

Ashes.

Talk is highly overrated. What you dont know cant hurt you. So then why do people feel compelled to talk? To let the world know their angst and the grime stuck on their soul. I say write. As long as nobody knows who you are, write on. This is the world of the dark. Where nobody knows you or cares even. Its the place where you can bare your dirt, spill out the filth and re-emerge into life feeling cleaner and purer.

I like my anonymity. I like being a loner. I like being a blogger. I like being one nobody knows. I like not sharing yet I enjoy the ranting. It satisfies something nasty inside.

So I keep on writing. Leaving my diary behind, the footprints of my soul on the sands of the cyberworld. For there will be a day when I am no more and yet here I will be. Stashed away. My ashes.

Back to reality...

It makes absolutely no sense to me that I am 'holy'ly matrimony-ed with somebody and yet I feel lonely. So then it must mean that I am not lonely. For what does not make sense in OUR World does not exist in the real world either. Right? I would figure that I am a loner at heart. At brain. At whatever it is - the place where I feel lonely or not. Am I depressed? Is it because my life had a purpose - albeit one that was not entirely within my control - till now, and suddenly I feel bereft because I am back to reality?

"Back to life, back to reality
Back to the here and now
Show me how, decide what you want from me
Tell me maybe I could be there for you

However do you want me,
However do you need me

Back to life, back to the present time,
Back from a fantasy yeah
Tell me now, take the initiative
I'll leave it in your hands until you're ready oh

However do you want me,
However do you need me

I live at the top of the block,
No more room for trouble or fuss
Need a change, a positive change look
Look it's me writing on the wall
However do you want me
However do you need me

Back to life, back to the day we have
Let's end this foolish game
Hear me out, don't let me waste away
Make up your mind so I know where I stand."

These lyrics are somehow, vaguely how I feel. I feel like somebody has to take an initiative and let me know what to do next. Please dont let me waste away. I dream my minutes away. I see them going up in smoke. Each breath of pure poison is what I live for. And I dont want it to be that way. I want what we had. Where I am not in a prison of my own making. When will I get my feet back on the ground and when will I feel like I am not desperately holding onto a shaky rung at the bottom of some ladder, which if I let go or if it breaks off, will send me spinning, freewheeling into outer space? Or maybe into some inner recess of my mind.

I want to be wanted. I want to be needed. I want to want. I want to need. None of that is happening because we are putting on a show. To be honest, I am not putting on any show and nor do I want to be a part of it. But I know that it is important to you and so I am a part of the show and the bow. But when can we have Us back? When can we be Together again?

I am not sure if I will be ready to come back if you keep me out in the cold for too long. Of course, the metaphorical mental distance may not even be important for you.

The new You. The person who has emerged after the old you has gone missing. This is the guy who owns me. I recognize Your face and the hissing sound. I did catch a glimpse of You, when You raised your head on occasions. But when I searched for You, I couldn't find You or even evidence to convince myself that You existed. I am not sure if I like You much.

But I see You. I want my old you back. The one who cared. The one who knew. The one who got me and did not see everything I do or say as part of an elaborate plot. Take me away. I shall carry you on my wings and we can fly far away.

Marriage Memoirs

And so, I am back. I am married. I came across so many people who asked, "So, how's married life?" and I said to them, " Good fun!!", while I thought to myself - "Man, these guys really mean to ask this question with the full faith that the answer will always be stereotypical" and guess what... the answer is always the same. I am sure that if I met a newly married, I would ask the same question.

Does marriage change our life? Does it make us different people? Or do we ask this question to know if each person has a unique experience? I am sure in 'Olden Days', this question was asked as it brought people together in a legally and socially correct ceremony where-after they could have personal access to another human being (yes, I am trying to put it politely) :)

But what relevance does this question have in today's world of live-in relationships, boy/girl-friends, dating, Facebook and Twitter where not only do your near and dear know you better than you know yourself, but the whole world knows you too? As a matter of fact, in this situation, the question is redundant.

Marriage is good fun. Yes sire, it is. But only cos it was good fun before getting married too :) It is a bang-up thing to wipe your savings clean, probably drive your family to debt and then end up in a 'relationship for life' with a Marriage when you could have had the same (sans the debt and) without the smoke from the havan :).

Not that I didn't enjoy it. I did. The whole nine yards. But I believe that there should be a choice. Maybe there will come a day when one can hope that the wise will have a civil union and whatever personal festivities thereafter that they wished to indulge in.

But that day is not today and nor was it the day I got married.

Life is old there...

I was driving down the windy path, winding on and on

Around a dark, rocky mountain, or was it a hill?

And I was humming out loud, an old John Denver song,

Ironic I thought, down a rocky mountain road with Denver.

And I was cruising.

I could hear the sounds of my system.

I could hear the chaos.

My system was crashing.

I was burnt and wasted.

I heard the voices of the whirlwind.

I needed a change.

Really fast. Maybe a hurricane.

I wanted to replace that darkness,

As I dreamed dreams on the edge of the road.

And violent days flashed past my mind,

And I said to myself, even fools stay sane.

Then there was rain, and

the madness was washed away.

That's just where you begin again, because

If you don't, then there is no chance.

So help me out of the dark.

brand new day

And then are those great days (mostly weekends) when we wake up and the world is just this glorious burst of color. Colors that are sky blue and cloud white and sunny yellow and leaf green and tree brown and flower pink. You are just a you-color butterfly. You fly around the fringes afraid to disturb the tranquility that is surrounding you. And then you alight on the flower just wanting a bit of the nectar so that you can have a bit of the sweetness that is the fragrance of the day. You are fulfilled and you realise that you can be a part of the day without disturbing the balance. What an amazing feeling that is!!

And thats when you know that its a brand new day :)

I believe

I believe. In fairy dust. In elves. In fantasy. In fiction. In imperfections. In faith. In colleagues. In friends. In best friends. In shopping. In excitement. In beauty. In baking. In sunshine. In pure chocolate. In happy birthdays. In peacocks. In toppers. In education. In bargaining. In good mornings. In fashion. In sit-coms. In Thank-you-so-muchs. In great presentations. In Mont Blanc special edition femme perfume. In sunsets. In U2 and Floyd. In coffee. In black. In Quentin Tarantino. In beautiful shoes. In a blue decor. In art. In alcohol. In off-shoulders. In going green. In lots-of-water-a-day. In life.

Mud goop...

So what exactly is being lonely? Is it just a phase of the mind? Or does one actually have to be "alone" to feel lonely? One of my favorite books, forever, has been Far from the maddin crowd by Thomas Hardy. I read it and my favorite person from the book remains the farmer who works for the heroine - Gabriel Oak. True to his name, he stands tall and calm, through any storm - strong in the face of any adversity - except for love. I love the fact that he is vulnerable. He is the person I would want to be, if I could write my character. But, being that I am made of misty, wispy matter - I can only hope to HAVE a Gabriel Oak in my life! :)

Last night I was lying awake in my bed and I lay like that for about an hour before I dozed off into fitful sleep. I was so lonely, I could have cried myself to sleep. If only life were so kind that I was actually alone when I felt lonely. Fate, is that cynical creature, who loves to laugh at irony. So there I am, feeling lonely. And I am not alone. What should that tell me? Am I not in love? But, yes I am. Very much so.

So why am I so mixed up? And thro' all this I feel sorry for him! He is really a nice guy. He is Gabriel Oak. Oh, gosh. Why the hell could I not be a character somebody wrote so that I had no choice in the part I play or the way I play it - in the story?

May I?

I was generally pondering about life and living it. We wake up everyday and go with the flow. Even if there is a plan to do something, it is just a part of the 'Flow'. Will we ever be able to wake up in a different world? In a different life? I keep thinking that I would like to. Where everything is just familiar enough (like places) to not be lost. Like Lyra, I too wish to wander from world to world and parallel universes - multiverses for the physics geek - and be an adventuress.

I wish to be a planet. A sea by myself. I wish to have a couple of moons orbitting me. A universe that cannot exist without me.

I wish to reconsider who I am. I dont want to make any deals.

I wish

Sometimes I wish that I could just break down. To not care about the world or the people I care about or those who care about me. Do we all try our best to be perfect?

I dont know. But I am tired of trying. And the the "tired" thingie keeps coming back once in a while. And then I just sweep it under some carpet and keep going. And then I forget that I am tired.

I recently spoke to somebody who had a breakdown. Was he right to have a breakdown? I thought not. But who am I to think? I am somebody who keeps trying not to have one cos its just not appropriate.

And then again - maybe I am just one of those weaklings who are not happy with what they have. I have love and security. But I cant help but wish that I had lived my life differently after college.

I wish that I had taken a job abroad and gotten some exposure. Lived differently so that I could come back home. Happy.

But now I feel like I compromised. And there are days when I am happy that I did. Cos people are happy. But for me happiness is messy and complicated. And I have a man whose forte is messy and complicated.

And yet I feel like sitting alone and screaming out loud.

I want to quit my job. I want to NOT plan my wedding. And I am saying this cos my blog is mine and nobody else reads it. I dont invite people I know to read it and the ones who read it dont know who I am.

But I wish that sometimes he would make an effort to read it. To ask me if I am still writing. And to ask me if I am still blogging.

And I wish that he would not leave me alone for valentine's day. Not that I really care about Valentine's. But I wish he would care more.

I wish he would take our wedding planning diary and start jotting down things so that I know I am not alone in this. I am alone. I know that. But I wish I didnt have to be.

What I really want is for him to take more interest. Ask me about the invites. Ask parents to give us numbers. And I am scared. That I will be stuck. Alone. Making choices. And pushing people to make choices. To be the put-righter. And I cant. Not always. I dont even know the answers most of the time.

And I dont want to be told how beautiful I am. Cos I am not.

I want to be told that we are going to do this together and actually do this together.

I am ranting and raving and I dont want to do that anymore. But I dont know how to.

I wish I were in Paris - away from all this mess. I wish that I were the type of person who could be happy with whatever I have. And nobody can help me but myself.