Mud goop...

So what exactly is being lonely? Is it just a phase of the mind? Or does one actually have to be "alone" to feel lonely? One of my favorite books, forever, has been Far from the maddin crowd by Thomas Hardy. I read it and my favorite person from the book remains the farmer who works for the heroine - Gabriel Oak. True to his name, he stands tall and calm, through any storm - strong in the face of any adversity - except for love. I love the fact that he is vulnerable. He is the person I would want to be, if I could write my character. But, being that I am made of misty, wispy matter - I can only hope to HAVE a Gabriel Oak in my life! :)

Last night I was lying awake in my bed and I lay like that for about an hour before I dozed off into fitful sleep. I was so lonely, I could have cried myself to sleep. If only life were so kind that I was actually alone when I felt lonely. Fate, is that cynical creature, who loves to laugh at irony. So there I am, feeling lonely. And I am not alone. What should that tell me? Am I not in love? But, yes I am. Very much so.

So why am I so mixed up? And thro' all this I feel sorry for him! He is really a nice guy. He is Gabriel Oak. Oh, gosh. Why the hell could I not be a character somebody wrote so that I had no choice in the part I play or the way I play it - in the story?