I wish

Sometimes I wish that I could just break down. To not care about the world or the people I care about or those who care about me. Do we all try our best to be perfect?

I dont know. But I am tired of trying. And the the "tired" thingie keeps coming back once in a while. And then I just sweep it under some carpet and keep going. And then I forget that I am tired.

I recently spoke to somebody who had a breakdown. Was he right to have a breakdown? I thought not. But who am I to think? I am somebody who keeps trying not to have one cos its just not appropriate.

And then again - maybe I am just one of those weaklings who are not happy with what they have. I have love and security. But I cant help but wish that I had lived my life differently after college.

I wish that I had taken a job abroad and gotten some exposure. Lived differently so that I could come back home. Happy.

But now I feel like I compromised. And there are days when I am happy that I did. Cos people are happy. But for me happiness is messy and complicated. And I have a man whose forte is messy and complicated.

And yet I feel like sitting alone and screaming out loud.

I want to quit my job. I want to NOT plan my wedding. And I am saying this cos my blog is mine and nobody else reads it. I dont invite people I know to read it and the ones who read it dont know who I am.

But I wish that sometimes he would make an effort to read it. To ask me if I am still writing. And to ask me if I am still blogging.

And I wish that he would not leave me alone for valentine's day. Not that I really care about Valentine's. But I wish he would care more.

I wish he would take our wedding planning diary and start jotting down things so that I know I am not alone in this. I am alone. I know that. But I wish I didnt have to be.

What I really want is for him to take more interest. Ask me about the invites. Ask parents to give us numbers. And I am scared. That I will be stuck. Alone. Making choices. And pushing people to make choices. To be the put-righter. And I cant. Not always. I dont even know the answers most of the time.

And I dont want to be told how beautiful I am. Cos I am not.

I want to be told that we are going to do this together and actually do this together.

I am ranting and raving and I dont want to do that anymore. But I dont know how to.

I wish I were in Paris - away from all this mess. I wish that I were the type of person who could be happy with whatever I have. And nobody can help me but myself.