Back to reality...

It makes absolutely no sense to me that I am 'holy'ly matrimony-ed with somebody and yet I feel lonely. So then it must mean that I am not lonely. For what does not make sense in OUR World does not exist in the real world either. Right? I would figure that I am a loner at heart. At brain. At whatever it is - the place where I feel lonely or not. Am I depressed? Is it because my life had a purpose - albeit one that was not entirely within my control - till now, and suddenly I feel bereft because I am back to reality?

"Back to life, back to reality
Back to the here and now
Show me how, decide what you want from me
Tell me maybe I could be there for you

However do you want me,
However do you need me

Back to life, back to the present time,
Back from a fantasy yeah
Tell me now, take the initiative
I'll leave it in your hands until you're ready oh

However do you want me,
However do you need me

I live at the top of the block,
No more room for trouble or fuss
Need a change, a positive change look
Look it's me writing on the wall
However do you want me
However do you need me

Back to life, back to the day we have
Let's end this foolish game
Hear me out, don't let me waste away
Make up your mind so I know where I stand."

These lyrics are somehow, vaguely how I feel. I feel like somebody has to take an initiative and let me know what to do next. Please dont let me waste away. I dream my minutes away. I see them going up in smoke. Each breath of pure poison is what I live for. And I dont want it to be that way. I want what we had. Where I am not in a prison of my own making. When will I get my feet back on the ground and when will I feel like I am not desperately holding onto a shaky rung at the bottom of some ladder, which if I let go or if it breaks off, will send me spinning, freewheeling into outer space? Or maybe into some inner recess of my mind.

I want to be wanted. I want to be needed. I want to want. I want to need. None of that is happening because we are putting on a show. To be honest, I am not putting on any show and nor do I want to be a part of it. But I know that it is important to you and so I am a part of the show and the bow. But when can we have Us back? When can we be Together again?

I am not sure if I will be ready to come back if you keep me out in the cold for too long. Of course, the metaphorical mental distance may not even be important for you.

The new You. The person who has emerged after the old you has gone missing. This is the guy who owns me. I recognize Your face and the hissing sound. I did catch a glimpse of You, when You raised your head on occasions. But when I searched for You, I couldn't find You or even evidence to convince myself that You existed. I am not sure if I like You much.

But I see You. I want my old you back. The one who cared. The one who knew. The one who got me and did not see everything I do or say as part of an elaborate plot. Take me away. I shall carry you on my wings and we can fly far away.