love and demons

I have come to a point in my life where I must leave people, circumstances, ashes and myself behind me. I am literally quite tired of whatever it is that I have made - my life, my demons. They must after all be our creations, if they are in our minds and heads.
So, I'm abandoning most of my demons, my emotional crutches, the guys who got me through all my emotional screw-ups cos they took on the blame for my (in)actions and my imaginative getaways which helped me get thro life. I need to start over again. A new person. Simply because I'm tired or, even worse, lazy or here is a scary thought - maybe Im in love with life again - in love with my today. Ever been stretched so bad that you thought you'd snap? Ever hated or loved anything about you so much that you needed to stop, step outta your life and disappear? Well, I've decided to quieten all the (in)sane voices in my head for once and do the craziest thing anybody could possibly do if they were a combination of my mind and mindlessness. I've decided to brush off from my system the idea that some things/situations are necessary for my happiness and install in its place the idea that most of these things are, at best, desirable. I'm quitting my old demons and so far I'm at peace - which does not mean much but is a good sign considering that I have abandoned them only five minutes ago. I will be with him and all will be well with my world.

FaceBooking...

I was just FaceBooking as I write and I realized that one of the only things I really like about it is the convenience with which I can keep in touch with my friends. It is quite violative (now that i think about it) when one thinks about how impersonal and un-private it has made each of our lives. Now, I know when X (who might be a friend's chacha's second cousin) got married and what hundred people had to say about the weddin, the suit, the alcohol that was served or the puking that ensued thereafter! Eeeeeekssssssssss...... I guess this is, after all, social networking... :) I am sorry to say so...its kinda gross but interesting and entertaining!

The last few months...

So much has happened in the last few months in my life that I am not sure as to where to begin. Of course, because I have a fear of documentation (:)) I am obviously not going to create a chronology of events… but nevertheless, so much has been overturned in my own mind, in my life, in my perfect universe....its scary!!! My notions of happiness have been scattered, my dreams of a certain future- though uncertain, unclear and unfulfilling – which seemed like the charted course of my life - have disappeared due to my own choice, a certain future – which never even seemed like a possibility – with a certain friend of mine, seems more and more real as each day grows into the next! Work has moved through several phases of learning, encouragement, disappointment and now what seems like a long wait…

But nevertheless, I am glowing. Like a silly fool. Maybe for a reason and maybe not :) But life, amongst all the insanity, is perfect. I wouldn possibly have my life be any other way.

Shall restrain the rest of the madness for another day and another post…

Maybe I am not lazy after all...

I tell you I am lazy and then here I am again. Within a few minutes, here I am again blogging. That’s because I am not entirely sure if I have not shared my blogs with anybody because I am lazy. I think it’s the basic fear of documentation. That must be it… I have an unnatural phobia when it comes to putting down things on paper. Ironic... considering that I am a LAWYER :) But emotional stuff is reserved just for the people who are meant to read them. So like I said I just indulge in lovely written conversations when the mood to write strikes me.

So then, why do I feel the need to blog now? I am not sure abt that either. All I know is that I feel this unbeatable need to write, to keep my fingers busy, if you will.. There are millions of thoughts randomly running around in my mind and I need to give them some form, some shape. They must be released and therefore here they are…

Maybe I will share this blog with a few friends… Maybe I will add a few to my list. I don’t know how I am going to go about the formalities of bloggin because I suck at formalities… and paperwork ;) but this is it.. I hope I see this through and that I am able to blog whenever I feel the need to write or talk and no one is around.

How lazy am I?

I have a great friend who blogs regularly and I, fo rone, love reading her blogs. So she asked me once why I didnt blog and I had to tell her that I am too lazy for all that! The truth of it is that I am not sure. I started blogging from the age of 17 (I think) ahem..:) But I stopped cos I couldn remember the name of my OWN blog after a month. So I told myself that I am not meant to do this. Then 12th standard came along and I still blogged... but this time the ol' school way of Writing My Own Diary. As you can imagine, this was not the best idea in the world and my mother not only found my angst filled pages sprouting nonsense (quite fantastically, all of the claptrap I had written back then felt like it came from within....) about the world and my life but also confronted me with my Diary waving in the air. It was humiliating to say the least... and I have to say that if I had read somebody's (not in the least my daughter's) notes which were filled with passionate likes and dislikes, then I might have flipped too... but nevertheless, it was the first kind of violation for me.

So I stopped writing for myself and I started writing to others. Through my five years of law college life, I got through by writing long, winding mails to the BF or several wonderful friends of mine. But thats all that this was till I started writing at this blog.. Havent yet shared this blog ID with a single friend of mine btw! :)