I keep writing in the hope that nobody reads what I write. I want to make sure that nobody does and nobody knows who I am. I am in fact so paranoid about not being known that I write only because I know nobody knows. I am like Johnny Depp in the "Secret Window", I have hidden myself in my mind so that I cant find myself or read myself.
I am ready. I know it. In a way that I cannot explain. Initially I thought that my readiness was because there were people around me, stepping into "new phases" of their lives and all I wanted was a "new phase". Then I thought, so what? Even if it is just a need for a "new phase"... so what? The reasons for why I want, what I want does not change the authenticity of what I want.
The question really is - do I merely want a new phase or do I want a particular new phase? Well, I do know that I would be thrilled to start a new work phase. But the fact remains that I am unable to make that change. I would never be able to walk away from something I have started without giving it my best shot and I know that. I am doing the same kind of work and there are not too many challenges anymore. That would be the bane of any job though. In a way, I have earned my place and comfort here. Everybody knows me and I know everybody. In a way it is a boon because I am no longer scrambling to find my footing. I am very grounded here. A part of the excitement though is always learning and that seems to not be happening.
The truth is I am conflicted about the new phase that I keep on rambling about. I don't know what I want. I am not sure what my discontent is about either. It most definitely is work. How does that translate into being ready?
I have no clue. I don't practically want to have a 'new phase', but my body is crying out loud for one. There. I have said the taboo thing. Apart from to him... I have not said this to anybody. Even saying it out loud sounds wrong because I know that a 'new phase' does not fit into my life right now. I need to work. I want to work. I want to have fun with him. I want to travel. I want to stay thin. Worst of all - I know that my life is not ready.
But I am. What do I do?
I am ready. I know it. In a way that I cannot explain. Initially I thought that my readiness was because there were people around me, stepping into "new phases" of their lives and all I wanted was a "new phase". Then I thought, so what? Even if it is just a need for a "new phase"... so what? The reasons for why I want, what I want does not change the authenticity of what I want.
The question really is - do I merely want a new phase or do I want a particular new phase? Well, I do know that I would be thrilled to start a new work phase. But the fact remains that I am unable to make that change. I would never be able to walk away from something I have started without giving it my best shot and I know that. I am doing the same kind of work and there are not too many challenges anymore. That would be the bane of any job though. In a way, I have earned my place and comfort here. Everybody knows me and I know everybody. In a way it is a boon because I am no longer scrambling to find my footing. I am very grounded here. A part of the excitement though is always learning and that seems to not be happening.
The truth is I am conflicted about the new phase that I keep on rambling about. I don't know what I want. I am not sure what my discontent is about either. It most definitely is work. How does that translate into being ready?
I have no clue. I don't practically want to have a 'new phase', but my body is crying out loud for one. There. I have said the taboo thing. Apart from to him... I have not said this to anybody. Even saying it out loud sounds wrong because I know that a 'new phase' does not fit into my life right now. I need to work. I want to work. I want to have fun with him. I want to travel. I want to stay thin. Worst of all - I know that my life is not ready.
But I am. What do I do?
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