do i?

do i scare you sometimes? does it feel like i am trying to achieve something or make a point which is not a good thing for you? do you feel judged? like i am more powerful and can will things into being. do u feel like i am trying to be your puppet master? well, i am not.

all i want is to be liked. so if you dont like me then i will try harder. cos i dont like the me that you dont like. trying harder is a desperate attempt and desperation is never pretty. so i may not be pretty now.

bear with me. try to understand who i am. maybe you will see that i am likable. maybe i will still not be. but whatever it is, at least you gave me a chance. thats all that i ask. give us a chance. we maybe friends. maybe we will never get to know. but at least a chance is worth it. dont u think?

out there

i am afloat. in the middle of a meeting and afloat. they think i am taking notes. i am not. this one is not worth it. the snatches that i hear while my laptop is whirring away is more than enough for me to know what is going on. in the meanwhile i am thinking or not and whatever it is, is being printed on this flat, cold white wall.

i see myself sitting there. its eerie. i look like i am really concentrating on something hard. thats funny. i am also smiling. those guys sitting across me must think me mad. but so what. what is madness anyway. it is certainly not smiling. i am moving around. not bad. there is some control over my body. its heady and i feel light headed. i feel a bit nauseated cos i cant feel my stomach. the wind is whizzing through my lungs. i slowly reach out. i see that i can move even if the movements look like i am drowning under water. underwater. maybe i should try some form of swimming. the air around is weightless but could be liquid. i swish my way around. i move out of the office.

funny. i am still scared to fly over a place which does not have a floor. i guess i could fall and die. or atleast break a few bones. fear is so powerful that it even manifests in your manifestations. i cant seem to come down. to hold onto anything solid. so i keep floating on. into the lift and quietly out. i move out of the building. into the fresh air and sunshine. its brilliant. there are colors. swimming in my eyes. i move to a tree and hold on. this is toxic tho. i cant breathe cos of the fumes. i have to move higher up. so i let go. and move upwards. thats better. the wind is in my hair and oh, it is a tad stronger than it was before. i am trying to see below but i am scared. cos i cant control myself anymore. i being thrown around. oh how i wish that i had not left the safety of my body. but here i am. tossed and turned and flung around. oh no. i am freefalling. but not downwards. sidewards. i am moving at an alarming speed. i am narrowly missing clouds of dust, trees, posts and god knows what else. i am going to crash. and suddenly i am not afraid. i see that this may be a good thing. maybe i will crash and wake up. return to my home. maybe. for now, i am still out there trying to find some balance so that i can hurtle to the crash comfortably.

Ashes.

Talk is highly overrated. What you dont know cant hurt you. So then why do people feel compelled to talk? To let the world know their angst and the grime stuck on their soul. I say write. As long as nobody knows who you are, write on. This is the world of the dark. Where nobody knows you or cares even. Its the place where you can bare your dirt, spill out the filth and re-emerge into life feeling cleaner and purer.

I like my anonymity. I like being a loner. I like being a blogger. I like being one nobody knows. I like not sharing yet I enjoy the ranting. It satisfies something nasty inside.

So I keep on writing. Leaving my diary behind, the footprints of my soul on the sands of the cyberworld. For there will be a day when I am no more and yet here I will be. Stashed away. My ashes.

Back to reality...

It makes absolutely no sense to me that I am 'holy'ly matrimony-ed with somebody and yet I feel lonely. So then it must mean that I am not lonely. For what does not make sense in OUR World does not exist in the real world either. Right? I would figure that I am a loner at heart. At brain. At whatever it is - the place where I feel lonely or not. Am I depressed? Is it because my life had a purpose - albeit one that was not entirely within my control - till now, and suddenly I feel bereft because I am back to reality?

"Back to life, back to reality
Back to the here and now
Show me how, decide what you want from me
Tell me maybe I could be there for you

However do you want me,
However do you need me

Back to life, back to the present time,
Back from a fantasy yeah
Tell me now, take the initiative
I'll leave it in your hands until you're ready oh

However do you want me,
However do you need me

I live at the top of the block,
No more room for trouble or fuss
Need a change, a positive change look
Look it's me writing on the wall
However do you want me
However do you need me

Back to life, back to the day we have
Let's end this foolish game
Hear me out, don't let me waste away
Make up your mind so I know where I stand."

These lyrics are somehow, vaguely how I feel. I feel like somebody has to take an initiative and let me know what to do next. Please dont let me waste away. I dream my minutes away. I see them going up in smoke. Each breath of pure poison is what I live for. And I dont want it to be that way. I want what we had. Where I am not in a prison of my own making. When will I get my feet back on the ground and when will I feel like I am not desperately holding onto a shaky rung at the bottom of some ladder, which if I let go or if it breaks off, will send me spinning, freewheeling into outer space? Or maybe into some inner recess of my mind.

I want to be wanted. I want to be needed. I want to want. I want to need. None of that is happening because we are putting on a show. To be honest, I am not putting on any show and nor do I want to be a part of it. But I know that it is important to you and so I am a part of the show and the bow. But when can we have Us back? When can we be Together again?

I am not sure if I will be ready to come back if you keep me out in the cold for too long. Of course, the metaphorical mental distance may not even be important for you.

The new You. The person who has emerged after the old you has gone missing. This is the guy who owns me. I recognize Your face and the hissing sound. I did catch a glimpse of You, when You raised your head on occasions. But when I searched for You, I couldn't find You or even evidence to convince myself that You existed. I am not sure if I like You much.

But I see You. I want my old you back. The one who cared. The one who knew. The one who got me and did not see everything I do or say as part of an elaborate plot. Take me away. I shall carry you on my wings and we can fly far away.

Marriage Memoirs

And so, I am back. I am married. I came across so many people who asked, "So, how's married life?" and I said to them, " Good fun!!", while I thought to myself - "Man, these guys really mean to ask this question with the full faith that the answer will always be stereotypical" and guess what... the answer is always the same. I am sure that if I met a newly married, I would ask the same question.

Does marriage change our life? Does it make us different people? Or do we ask this question to know if each person has a unique experience? I am sure in 'Olden Days', this question was asked as it brought people together in a legally and socially correct ceremony where-after they could have personal access to another human being (yes, I am trying to put it politely) :)

But what relevance does this question have in today's world of live-in relationships, boy/girl-friends, dating, Facebook and Twitter where not only do your near and dear know you better than you know yourself, but the whole world knows you too? As a matter of fact, in this situation, the question is redundant.

Marriage is good fun. Yes sire, it is. But only cos it was good fun before getting married too :) It is a bang-up thing to wipe your savings clean, probably drive your family to debt and then end up in a 'relationship for life' with a Marriage when you could have had the same (sans the debt and) without the smoke from the havan :).

Not that I didn't enjoy it. I did. The whole nine yards. But I believe that there should be a choice. Maybe there will come a day when one can hope that the wise will have a civil union and whatever personal festivities thereafter that they wished to indulge in.

But that day is not today and nor was it the day I got married.