Edit...

I hate the edit option.. especially when I drive myself crazy with editing the Font and Color of my post!! Seriously...

'Phone'y, I tell u!

Not keeping in touch.. now there is a touchy topic for discussion J I have never been the sort to mail or call regularly. Frankly, I hate having a cell phone cos it makes me so “accessible”!! Phhoeey… who needs to be more accessible? I am trying to run away from all the noise in my life without having the damn thing ringing like a damn siren on the damn ambulance that is carrying me to my damn death-bed (damn)!!!. Have some mercy, World. I think it’s just important for people to understand that people are different. THEY ARE. If you like keeping in touch, am I stopping you??? Have I ever said that I am unhappy about the fact that you call or mail?? All I am saying is that there are days when I DO NOT wish to talk. I am already in a job where I talk most of time (and not even about myself.. which would have at least been a fun-thing-to-do) J I cannot have a personal life where I talk most of the time as well… Like I said I am built differently!!

Everybody expects one to KEEP IN TOUCH. What is that? Call up every weekend? And say what? “Hey there.. how’s it going??” And then what? Why can’t we all know and love each other enough to just call up when there is something to talk about? I hate “phone”ey talk, all right? And I think its very, very important that people in my life understand this about me. I know it's difficult in the new and "small" world!! But try pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Amma used to bribe me (or sometimes threaten me with annihilation) when I used to refuse to answer the damn trill of the tring… tring at home. We had a caller ID and so I knew that it was sometimes an aunt or grandparents or somebody. She used to say, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH U… you antisocial creature… don’t you love your grandparents/aunt/general family.. etc etc?? Don’t u love me enuf to help out by answering the phone???” Well, that is a fair enough question.. and here is the answer. I love you but that DOES NOT mean answering the phone is how I show my love. If answering calls mean that much to you… please do so J Just don’t ask me to. And just because sometimes I do not answer calls or I forget to call back or I do not conform to the agenda of “let me call everybody I care about over the weekend or they are stupid enuf to misunderstand me” does not indicate my love/lack of love for you/ the people in my life. It’s a phobia .. like spiders for some… its lizards and phones and meaningless “catch-up” conversation for me.

And, don’t get me started on relatives!!! What is wrong with them? What am I supposed to call and tell them every weekend? Once in a month? Why is calling indicative of the fact that I care? I mean dont u guys watch televsion, movies or read books on weekends? I lead a very tiring week-life!! I want a nothing-to-do weekend!! I do not want to talk unless I want to, in which case I will call you J

And I will not judge you if you do not want to talk... I will mail you, okay? :) Or msg u if it is urgent, so u can choose to pick up my call or not!! :)

And I hate the pressure. Damn-it-must-call-or-will-be-thought-of-as-unloving-and-uncaring. Seriously… please don’t be so shallow. Allow the people in your life some space without judging them. Life is tough enough as it is. And short enough too!! J

There are some people in everybody’s life they want to come home to… And some people are lucky enuf to have that (sometimes literally and sometimes not). In such a scenario, trust me… there is enuf to do without getting on the phone for an hour to “chat”.

So.. hoping that I have convincingly argued that I am not anti-social and also hoping that you have all understood that I am a bit of a weirdo… signing off (and also contemplating penning a novel called “Beginnings and Endings” or whatever I feel like calling it when I have written it – don’t ask me about it till it’s over) :D,

loveeeee... Me :)

BFF

Possibly because it's Friday, my thoughts are bursting out of my head. The person this is meant for will know that this is meant for her.

Darling, I have always tried to be your 'best friend' and more. I also know today that I have somehow failed you. If I have failed to make you understand how much I love you and how I really am not judging you, and how I am just trying to help out in my own clumsy and stupid way, then the failure is mine. I remember reading somewhere that if Love is a feeling as perceived by the one loved and not the one who loves, then let the one who is loved be a judge of the love. Let the one who is loved be the judge about the (in)adequacy, the nature, the depth (or lack of it) and the wisdom (or foolishness) of such love. So be it.

For reasons known to you and me, I have known that I have failed to pass on to you the depth and nature of the affection which truly burns within me, for you. But please do know my dear, that this affection can be a blanket whenever you fall, whenever you stumble or whenever you just want to take a snooze from life. If you see this affection as a blanket that smothers you, then again the failure is mine and mine alone. Again, I have read somewhere that affection which cannot be showered, dies like a summer rain. That's not true. My love is true and my love is real. It shall be as powerful today as it was yesterday or will be tomorrow. And for teh record, its not a summer shower, it is the damn monsoon, all year round :)

I shall always wait for you to 'come back' to me. Do not mistake what I have written here as a "I am whining so please listen to me and feel sorry for me and bad about yourself" device. It is not. It is merely a stupid recording of one- millionth of what I feel for you and would never be able to put into words Take your time Darling. All I ask is that you do not judge me too harshly. And that you do hasten the process (which you will inevitably go through) and realize that I really do want the very best for you and a happy-you makes a happy-me :)

No apologies for what I have said or done, that which was perceived by you as worthy of nothing less than distance. That is just who I am. But I can promise to try harder when it comes to you. Or maybe not try hard at all, which maybe what you want, after all. Right now, I am confused... but I promise to try :) Where oh where lies the answers to difficult relationships? Are relationships difficult, or do we make them difficult? I, for one, have no clue.. maybe you will find the answer and let me know. Till then, good luck with everything... my love is always with you girl!

Middle Child Syndrome

I really want to write this bit below, for somebody who is/was special to me in my childhood but I do not know whom to write to... So if you are reading this and you were a (special) part of my childhood, please feel free to presume that this is meant for you.... :)

"I dont need a day to express what I feel for you, I never try...I just do. You are a special person and will always remain so. Here are a few lines I'd like to say to you. Did I ever thank you enough? For all the times when I was small and insignificant, and I was running down the lane in front of Vyshakh, you watched out for me (this line is literal and figurative because for a long time I literally ran down the lane in front of our home because I had just watched this very, very bad movie called Tremors which had underground, prehistoric, giant sized worms that burst out of the ground and quite enjoyed chasing, mutilating and eating up people)!! Did I ever thank you enough? For the times you held my gaze and smiled on, not holding me back, but just watched me grow!! Did I ever thank you enough? For those silent words, you sent across to me whenever I was sad, happy or sublime. Did I ever thank you enough? For all those wonderful moments, when my friends were made to feel loved and respected no matter who they were!!Did I ever thank you enough? For guiding me, for lending me those little words of wisdom that still sees me through!! Did I ever thank you enough? For showing me that there’s more to life than what we see, that there’s laughter and happiness, and it is always within us. Did I ever thank you enough? For those beautiful cards, the ones you wrote so neatly, letters which showered me with love and affection and because of which I always knew that I was loved. You will always be dear to me and I shall forever love you!!"

Frankly, I think I am capable of writing better stuff but I have no idea what in the world I should be writing about - that's why the Love Poem above sucks. To be candid I was the second child amongst three, very notorious children. And it would not be wrong to say that I do suffer from the much famed and debated about "Middle Child Syndrome". Btw, MCS is described as "a medical condition which commonly affects children who were born with an equivalent number of older and younger siblings (i.e. the second of three, third of five, fourth of seven, etc). Middle children are often ignored by their parents who give more attention to the older and younger siblings. They are often compared or chastised for not being like their elder siblings or for not being a better example to their younger siblings. These factors usually create feelings of neglect, loneliness, and unimportance. " courtsey Wikianswers.com.

Regardless of whether this explanation is scientifically right or wrong, this is the best explanation I have come across, one which suits my state of mind at least :) So, now I hope that I have adequately whined about why the Letter to The Favorite Person In My Childhood (above) is not particularly addressed to anybody. I was just feeling nostalgic about my childhood and wanted to write something to The Older Figure Who Was My Role Model While I was Growing Up. So that's that... it's done... phew!! Hate sentimental writing but am compelled by some deep need to pretend that somebody was indeed (specially) watching out for me when I Grew Up :D

Drops of Jupiter

One of my fav songs...

"Now that shes back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that shes back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's time to grow, hey, hey

Now that shes back in the atmosphere
Im afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
Conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way"

For some reason, the most favorite of my songs are as abstract as abstract can get.

Meaningful crap...

So there are ambitions and then there is that one thing that one really wants to do!! Is there a marked difference in the two for everybody?? I wonder and I wonder out loud. A friend of mine quit his job because he didnt like what it "did" to him. It wasnt about the money. For abt a year he did all kinds of odd jobs till he found something "respectable" (as my parents would define a job), and mainstream but most importantly, something he wants to do. Something that will make a difference!!

Am I jealous? Am I trapped in a world I do not want to be in??? Bear with me for I know we have all gone thro' the "corporate crap" vs "something meaningful" debate several times over starting with our 1st week in college to the first month of work :) But for the lucky few, "something meaningful" is the corporate crap!! How I envy them!! So where am I? I am in a place where I - think - I am happy that I have a job which helps me to pay the bills, mortgages and lets me have enuf to spend on most things I and others want. I am happy abt these things. Am I happy abt the job I have to do? In a world of compromises (what other world do we know) - this is a happy enuf job. Do I look forward to work - and the painful answer is NO!! So somewhere inside me I know that I cannot do this forever. I admire people who can think that hah - that schmuck is going to work (against his inner will)!!! But let me tell the lucky few who are doing what they want to do without having sold out (w/o being defensive but taking it personally) that these shmucks are somebody's children or somebody's sibling and provide for/ take care of somebody else other than themselves.

I guess my answer is that I will quit this some day and do what I want. When is that day is something I do not know!! :) I wish I could figure. That day is when somebody can take over the EMI I pay and my bills till I start over again. With my retro cafe.. which will be a roaring success cos the food will be great and I will love doing what I do. So till that day, a schmuck I shall stay.

" As I sat mulling over the last document,

With just MS Office (2007 I must add) for company and the net, of course,

I realised that it was time to hit the road, half past eight,

Having packed up, I walked down seven floors,

I watched people hurrying to their houses,

or to pubs or to the movies or wherever they went,

but all with the same speed, the same grouses,

Etched on their faces, with the same weight their backs bent.

And I think to my self, where is the end and which is the means?

Are we all mice dancing to the same tune, enacting the same scenes?

Where has life brought us? or did we get here ourselves?

How do we get out? Without hurting the world that on our shoulder dwells?

And then I think again, am I a poet?

So I stop and I go back to my life again,

See you soon, I tell my blog page, when it begins to rain!"

Ha, ha - thats my bit of juvenile poetry so that I dont feel like a lawyer as I sign off! Watch this space for more meaningful posts :)