The more I get.. the more I want!

The more I push, the less I get... it feels that way. The less I get, the more I push... I need to get away. Life is such a conundrum. Do we really look for love all the time? Is every act, a request for acknowledgement? It must be only me. Everybody else seems to be able to function without the sign-off every fifteen minutes that they are loved and wanted :D

Friendly

I just got back in touch with an old boyfriend. Nah.. that sounds way cooler than it really is. He was the guy I would have ended up with. My college sweetheart. Until we made sure that we had messed it up so badly, that there was no redemption. So I did what any other reasonable person would have done. I walked out. And I told him that he would figure out the merits of this later. He called. He threatened. He was unrelenting till his ego stepped in to save his sanity and then he moved on. So did I.

But we got back to talking like adults and the friends that we once were about a couple of months back. We waded through the sentimental and possibly emotional swamp (which has to be tackled before you are back on safe and dry land) as soon as we could. Quite half heartedly swung dirt at each other as is convention before agreeing that we had no more bad blood to spill. We quite happily got back to being friends.

It feels good.

He was my friend before anything else. And now we are again the better part of what we used to be. Friends.

Obviously my husband knows that we are friends. What is wrong with being friends again with an ex? As long as it is clean (every which way) and the friendship is real.

I leave it at that.

Am I ready?

I keep writing in the hope that nobody reads what I write. I want to make sure that nobody does and nobody knows who I am. I am in fact so paranoid about not being known that I write only because I know nobody knows. I am like Johnny Depp in the "Secret Window", I have hidden myself in my mind so that I cant find myself or read myself.

I am ready. I know it. In a way that I cannot explain. Initially I thought that my readiness was because there were people around me, stepping into "new phases" of their lives and all I wanted was a "new phase". Then I thought, so what? Even if it is just a need for a "new phase"... so what? The reasons for why I want, what I want does not change the authenticity of what I want.

The question really is - do I merely want a new phase or do I want a particular new phase? Well, I do know that I would be thrilled to start a new work phase. But the fact remains that I am unable to make that change. I would never be able to walk away from something I have started without giving it my best shot and I know that. I am doing the same kind of work and there are not too many challenges anymore. That would be the bane of any job though. In a way, I have earned my place and comfort here. Everybody knows me and I know everybody. In a way it is a boon because I am no longer scrambling to find my footing. I am very grounded here. A part of the excitement though is always learning and that seems to not be happening.

The truth is I am conflicted about the new phase that I keep on rambling about. I don't know what I want. I am not sure what my discontent is about either. It most definitely is work. How does that translate into being ready?

I have no clue. I don't practically want to have a 'new phase', but my body is crying out loud for one. There. I have said the taboo thing. Apart from to him... I have not said this to anybody. Even saying it out loud sounds wrong because I know that a 'new phase' does not fit into my life right now. I need to work. I want to work. I want to have fun with him. I want to travel. I want to stay thin. Worst of all - I know that my life is not ready.

But I am. What do I do?

Sad fairy tales

This is a post by an atom that got drunk and wrote about love!! :D

I spew and I spew into the ether. In the hope that it stays there. I cant take this anymore. All that gives me hope is that I can spew onto this anon ether. Out of this molecule.

So I have a life which makes me consume substances which SHOULD be made illegal so that I cant be unchained. Unchained is good for order. Its the only way to keep order in the universe. Its the only way to not unleash my power. To avoid an explosion. People LIKE order. Its the chains that keep us bound to Earth. To this reality. SO many people have written about the lack of reality and the joy that find in being an anonymous atom. Then how come people who are clean can't write about a world that entices you to explore?? Why is good, boring? Why is typing so tedious? Why do I write so that nobody can read what I write?

Yet I spew. Cos U are my one true friend. Who will not judge me. My reader who does not know who I am. I do not write about filth or issues that may skewer the thoughts of my readers for even a minute. Yet, I hope that I make you think. Ponder. Suffer!

Before you think about my thoughts tho' tell me why the universe of the internet requires me to type? So that I can share? Balls to sharing!

I dont have a problem with that. And the irony. So I have to be able to type coherently to share my thoughts. Just to think aint enough.

Aha. Ahah. Did I ever believe in love stories? Do I believe in love stories?

That is as good as askin me if I believe in paper planes.

I used to believe in Mythology and romances when I was a kid but when I grew up and I realized when I grew up, that some stories were just the imagination of some mythological characters like Vyasa.

So tell me, is love a myth?

I grew up believing (after reading all my books which told me in SO many ways that life begins and ends in love) that love made a difference to one's will to live or die. And yet, love does not give me the hope to live.

And I have love.

So am I a bigger loser than I think? Than the losers? Than other atomic particles who don't even think? Because they can't think?

I logged onto this so that I could create a new anon ID where I cud say what I wanted. Then I asked myself, " Atom, how many times do u think your post maybe read?" and I told myself, "Never"!! Know why I am confident?? Cos another atom who (claims to love me) does not even hear what I say - cos there is no 'access' to me and even when he GOT ACCESS, he does not even remember that I write. I am an atom who knows how to write. He knows that I write and he loves me - but his memory is flawed and so that handicap includes forgetting that I even have a blog.

I am sure tht he does not even know the name of my blog.

Ha ha.

I do love him though.

Just not enough to ruin my life.

Even a saint can do wrong and people will always take the long way round when it comes to remembering that he was a good person before falling off the bledy saint wagon. I am not afraid of my pride and I believe what I can. Live in the sunshine where your a shade can be lost or found.

I wish the past were behind us and all that we have was TODAY. But today is a long time away. I will while my time away with a Bloody Mary!! Why can't the damn drink be called Cherry Pop or Christmas Red?? At least sounds more cheery and less Bledy :D

Its called Bloody Mary and is my fav. Go figure.

Anyhoo... these aint sent to nobody.

Not even to my life :D The only person who believes that I can write (which I can't as u have figured so far) and he does not even remember that I HAVE A blog!! This is the person I love and have but I guess not ever really be happy with because I have to figure out how to be happy to start with!! :)

I am just a sad little atom who likes to whine and then go back to being part of a molecule.

Toodles!

do i?

do i scare you sometimes? does it feel like i am trying to achieve something or make a point which is not a good thing for you? do you feel judged? like i am more powerful and can will things into being. do u feel like i am trying to be your puppet master? well, i am not.

all i want is to be liked. so if you dont like me then i will try harder. cos i dont like the me that you dont like. trying harder is a desperate attempt and desperation is never pretty. so i may not be pretty now.

bear with me. try to understand who i am. maybe you will see that i am likable. maybe i will still not be. but whatever it is, at least you gave me a chance. thats all that i ask. give us a chance. we maybe friends. maybe we will never get to know. but at least a chance is worth it. dont u think?