brand new day

And then are those great days (mostly weekends) when we wake up and the world is just this glorious burst of color. Colors that are sky blue and cloud white and sunny yellow and leaf green and tree brown and flower pink. You are just a you-color butterfly. You fly around the fringes afraid to disturb the tranquility that is surrounding you. And then you alight on the flower just wanting a bit of the nectar so that you can have a bit of the sweetness that is the fragrance of the day. You are fulfilled and you realise that you can be a part of the day without disturbing the balance. What an amazing feeling that is!!

And thats when you know that its a brand new day :)

I believe

I believe. In fairy dust. In elves. In fantasy. In fiction. In imperfections. In faith. In colleagues. In friends. In best friends. In shopping. In excitement. In beauty. In baking. In sunshine. In pure chocolate. In happy birthdays. In peacocks. In toppers. In education. In bargaining. In good mornings. In fashion. In sit-coms. In Thank-you-so-muchs. In great presentations. In Mont Blanc special edition femme perfume. In sunsets. In U2 and Floyd. In coffee. In black. In Quentin Tarantino. In beautiful shoes. In a blue decor. In art. In alcohol. In off-shoulders. In going green. In lots-of-water-a-day. In life.

Mud goop...

So what exactly is being lonely? Is it just a phase of the mind? Or does one actually have to be "alone" to feel lonely? One of my favorite books, forever, has been Far from the maddin crowd by Thomas Hardy. I read it and my favorite person from the book remains the farmer who works for the heroine - Gabriel Oak. True to his name, he stands tall and calm, through any storm - strong in the face of any adversity - except for love. I love the fact that he is vulnerable. He is the person I would want to be, if I could write my character. But, being that I am made of misty, wispy matter - I can only hope to HAVE a Gabriel Oak in my life! :)

Last night I was lying awake in my bed and I lay like that for about an hour before I dozed off into fitful sleep. I was so lonely, I could have cried myself to sleep. If only life were so kind that I was actually alone when I felt lonely. Fate, is that cynical creature, who loves to laugh at irony. So there I am, feeling lonely. And I am not alone. What should that tell me? Am I not in love? But, yes I am. Very much so.

So why am I so mixed up? And thro' all this I feel sorry for him! He is really a nice guy. He is Gabriel Oak. Oh, gosh. Why the hell could I not be a character somebody wrote so that I had no choice in the part I play or the way I play it - in the story?

May I?

I was generally pondering about life and living it. We wake up everyday and go with the flow. Even if there is a plan to do something, it is just a part of the 'Flow'. Will we ever be able to wake up in a different world? In a different life? I keep thinking that I would like to. Where everything is just familiar enough (like places) to not be lost. Like Lyra, I too wish to wander from world to world and parallel universes - multiverses for the physics geek - and be an adventuress.

I wish to be a planet. A sea by myself. I wish to have a couple of moons orbitting me. A universe that cannot exist without me.

I wish to reconsider who I am. I dont want to make any deals.

I wish

Sometimes I wish that I could just break down. To not care about the world or the people I care about or those who care about me. Do we all try our best to be perfect?

I dont know. But I am tired of trying. And the the "tired" thingie keeps coming back once in a while. And then I just sweep it under some carpet and keep going. And then I forget that I am tired.

I recently spoke to somebody who had a breakdown. Was he right to have a breakdown? I thought not. But who am I to think? I am somebody who keeps trying not to have one cos its just not appropriate.

And then again - maybe I am just one of those weaklings who are not happy with what they have. I have love and security. But I cant help but wish that I had lived my life differently after college.

I wish that I had taken a job abroad and gotten some exposure. Lived differently so that I could come back home. Happy.

But now I feel like I compromised. And there are days when I am happy that I did. Cos people are happy. But for me happiness is messy and complicated. And I have a man whose forte is messy and complicated.

And yet I feel like sitting alone and screaming out loud.

I want to quit my job. I want to NOT plan my wedding. And I am saying this cos my blog is mine and nobody else reads it. I dont invite people I know to read it and the ones who read it dont know who I am.

But I wish that sometimes he would make an effort to read it. To ask me if I am still writing. And to ask me if I am still blogging.

And I wish that he would not leave me alone for valentine's day. Not that I really care about Valentine's. But I wish he would care more.

I wish he would take our wedding planning diary and start jotting down things so that I know I am not alone in this. I am alone. I know that. But I wish I didnt have to be.

What I really want is for him to take more interest. Ask me about the invites. Ask parents to give us numbers. And I am scared. That I will be stuck. Alone. Making choices. And pushing people to make choices. To be the put-righter. And I cant. Not always. I dont even know the answers most of the time.

And I dont want to be told how beautiful I am. Cos I am not.

I want to be told that we are going to do this together and actually do this together.

I am ranting and raving and I dont want to do that anymore. But I dont know how to.

I wish I were in Paris - away from all this mess. I wish that I were the type of person who could be happy with whatever I have. And nobody can help me but myself.