The more I push, the less I get... it feels that way. The less I get, the more I push... I need to get away. Life is such a conundrum. Do we really look for love all the time? Is every act, a request for acknowledgement? It must be only me. Everybody else seems to be able to function without the sign-off every fifteen minutes that they are loved and wanted :D
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Friendly
I just got back in touch with an old boyfriend. Nah.. that sounds way cooler than it really is. He was the guy I would have ended up with. My college sweetheart. Until we made sure that we had messed it up so badly, that there was no redemption. So I did what any other reasonable person would have done. I walked out. And I told him that he would figure out the merits of this later. He called. He threatened. He was unrelenting till his ego stepped in to save his sanity and then he moved on. So did I.
But we got back to talking like adults and the friends that we once were about a couple of months back. We waded through the sentimental and possibly emotional swamp (which has to be tackled before you are back on safe and dry land) as soon as we could. Quite half heartedly swung dirt at each other as is convention before agreeing that we had no more bad blood to spill. We quite happily got back to being friends.
It feels good.
He was my friend before anything else. And now we are again the better part of what we used to be. Friends.
Obviously my husband knows that we are friends. What is wrong with being friends again with an ex? As long as it is clean (every which way) and the friendship is real.
I leave it at that.
But we got back to talking like adults and the friends that we once were about a couple of months back. We waded through the sentimental and possibly emotional swamp (which has to be tackled before you are back on safe and dry land) as soon as we could. Quite half heartedly swung dirt at each other as is convention before agreeing that we had no more bad blood to spill. We quite happily got back to being friends.
It feels good.
He was my friend before anything else. And now we are again the better part of what we used to be. Friends.
Obviously my husband knows that we are friends. What is wrong with being friends again with an ex? As long as it is clean (every which way) and the friendship is real.
I leave it at that.
Am I ready?
I keep writing in the hope that nobody reads what I write. I want to make sure that nobody does and nobody knows who I am. I am in fact so paranoid about not being known that I write only because I know nobody knows. I am like Johnny Depp in the "Secret Window", I have hidden myself in my mind so that I cant find myself or read myself.
I am ready. I know it. In a way that I cannot explain. Initially I thought that my readiness was because there were people around me, stepping into "new phases" of their lives and all I wanted was a "new phase". Then I thought, so what? Even if it is just a need for a "new phase"... so what? The reasons for why I want, what I want does not change the authenticity of what I want.
The question really is - do I merely want a new phase or do I want a particular new phase? Well, I do know that I would be thrilled to start a new work phase. But the fact remains that I am unable to make that change. I would never be able to walk away from something I have started without giving it my best shot and I know that. I am doing the same kind of work and there are not too many challenges anymore. That would be the bane of any job though. In a way, I have earned my place and comfort here. Everybody knows me and I know everybody. In a way it is a boon because I am no longer scrambling to find my footing. I am very grounded here. A part of the excitement though is always learning and that seems to not be happening.
The truth is I am conflicted about the new phase that I keep on rambling about. I don't know what I want. I am not sure what my discontent is about either. It most definitely is work. How does that translate into being ready?
I have no clue. I don't practically want to have a 'new phase', but my body is crying out loud for one. There. I have said the taboo thing. Apart from to him... I have not said this to anybody. Even saying it out loud sounds wrong because I know that a 'new phase' does not fit into my life right now. I need to work. I want to work. I want to have fun with him. I want to travel. I want to stay thin. Worst of all - I know that my life is not ready.
But I am. What do I do?
I am ready. I know it. In a way that I cannot explain. Initially I thought that my readiness was because there were people around me, stepping into "new phases" of their lives and all I wanted was a "new phase". Then I thought, so what? Even if it is just a need for a "new phase"... so what? The reasons for why I want, what I want does not change the authenticity of what I want.
The question really is - do I merely want a new phase or do I want a particular new phase? Well, I do know that I would be thrilled to start a new work phase. But the fact remains that I am unable to make that change. I would never be able to walk away from something I have started without giving it my best shot and I know that. I am doing the same kind of work and there are not too many challenges anymore. That would be the bane of any job though. In a way, I have earned my place and comfort here. Everybody knows me and I know everybody. In a way it is a boon because I am no longer scrambling to find my footing. I am very grounded here. A part of the excitement though is always learning and that seems to not be happening.
The truth is I am conflicted about the new phase that I keep on rambling about. I don't know what I want. I am not sure what my discontent is about either. It most definitely is work. How does that translate into being ready?
I have no clue. I don't practically want to have a 'new phase', but my body is crying out loud for one. There. I have said the taboo thing. Apart from to him... I have not said this to anybody. Even saying it out loud sounds wrong because I know that a 'new phase' does not fit into my life right now. I need to work. I want to work. I want to have fun with him. I want to travel. I want to stay thin. Worst of all - I know that my life is not ready.
But I am. What do I do?
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