My great Indian blog..

Why does one write? Does it satisfy the need to get your thoughts out of your head (kind of like a Pensieve) so that you can think clearly or merely unburden your mind and memory? For some it may be deeper.... For me, alongwith the need to just talk (read - vent) this also satisfies the writer within. I know it sounds kind of ridiculous that people fancy themselves writers when they have never gotten even a poem of their's published by a proper publisher much less their school magazine (in any year)! So the ones who have gotten something published might feel more entitled to blog as they are ""more writers" than the others. And, also please note that I am not even going into an explanation of which bunch I fall into :)

But still I must admit that it fulfills some deep seated desire within me to be a writer (I want to say "the great, undiscovered" writer :D). Atleast nobody can reject the trash/greatness that my writing is. A few of you are even subjected to reading it. I dont get paid for this (no struggling writer ever does, mind you)... but I still love doing it... I love pouring my heart and soul into this.

I must confess that I wondered "what is it that one blogs about"?.... before I found the courage (yes - COURAGE) to start this blog! It seemed too simple to think that one will blog about one's life. Kind of like a memoir, a time-tracker, an event and emotion tracker.. but is it really that simple??? I have always dreamt of being a genuine writer, a serious one, a writer who will one day spew out 300 pages of a best seller. A best seller that will capture this writer's life and experiences. Maybe a best seller that is a selection of short stories that reflect Kerala or maybe just my life and the lives of people I know. And believe me, I have tried .. ha ha :D It was a joke... cos I just stopped half way. I just didnt have the patience to document the characters of my GREAT INDIAN DREAM! Well, woe be me and all's well with the world cos I have still not Found What It Takes to write that damned novel... in the meanwhile, I continue to salvage my cravings by penning this blog :)

Today aint that day!

So, what's new? Nothing is new at my end surprisingly enuf, this being my first post of year 2009 and all! I wish I could write about a new feeling, a premonition about a better year, about raindrops and sunshine and dewdrops and kittens. About lovely beginnings filled with hope and sad farewells bid to 2008!! Big deal... the new year is in and has anything earth shattering happened yet in my life? I guess its kind of negative and that's usually soooooo not who I am but, I feel the same :(

Do I feel the need to renew, reinvent, polish, find, better or redo myself? Maybe through resolutions, conversations, introspections and solutions? Nah.... I really dont! I wish I had resolutions to look forward to "punish myself" with... atleast my own. Since I didnt have any, I borrowed one from a friend.

I am going vegetarian for a month (and no alcohol either) :D. I must confess that I thought it would be bloody difficult to go "lacto ovo" vegetarian (for all you uninitialised non-vegetarians out there, that means that my diet can include dairy products and eggs)... It's been 8 whole days and frankly it aint that bad :). I know, I know.. even I thought the carnivorous non vegetarian me will break down after a week max (as I have so many times before) and give up the damn diet and claim that resolutions are after all meant to be broken. But surprise, surprise.... and I must admit this is one of the biggest ones yet... I am okay!!! :D
I have not broken down yet, have not yet felt those hunger pangs which oddly enuf I feel the moment I feel I am depriving my body of non-veg... I actually crave for non-veg like an addict! But this time round I am okay. I really am.. in a very happy, smiley, non-frowny way....

Its weird.. for me atleast, cos this is a novelty. I do miss eating sea food like I would miss a good old friend of mine. But I feel nothing.... Absolutely nothing.. nada, zilch craving for red meat or chicken....

Maybe in a way I am growing up (tho I am thinking this is some kind of mental imbalance)... Growin up - ah, lemme explain why I said that one. Because, I have always admired people around me, friends, colleagues and family and even acquaintances for that matter who can make up their mind and stick to it. Do I seem delinquent (that's maybe because I am)??? I do the things I like... I dont do the things I dont like. So life is pretty much simple for me that way. If I have to make up my mind to stick to something... then that almost always means that I am forcing myself to do something I dont entirely like or want to do BUT am doing because it's good for me. So therefore, I generally dont stick to doing the things I have Resolved to do because in a couple of days my dislike for the Thing I Have Resolved To Do has become so acute, I just cant do it. Therefore - I admire the people who do things They Have Resolved To Do. Its plain admirable... it shows character (or whatever)...:)

Now, this is why I think I have grown up this year....cos I have always thought man!.... I am not Grown Up or Determined enough to do this. The day I find Determination, which is what separates a fake grown up (like me) from a real grown up person, I am on my way to Growing Up. I shall start doing things I dont like but I should like.

Or maybe I am just plain tried of feeling ambivalent about murdering innocent animals. God alone knows cos I have no idea what's going on with me.

I wish I could also be Grown Up about the people in my life. The "people in my life" are the mysterious beings who control my emotions, my days, my actions to a great extent. I guess being Grown Up also means we get used to being taken for granted. Am I okay with being taken for granted? NO! Not now... not ever!! But then that's what I thought about being vegetarian (even for a brief period) - not now... not ever - and look where that got me today!! So maybe there will come a day when I will get used to Being a Grown Up in another way. But it doesn't look like that day is today... cos I hate being taken for granted. I hate being yelled at. And most certainly do not appreciate "the people in my life" thinking its okay to be callous and insensitive when I am chumming... I mean I am seriously bleeding to death here.. Can't I be afforded some space to be Weird and Irritated? Have mercy man...

Maybe when I Grow Up somemore... Ill learn to behave like I am perfectly normal all round the month, every month, all year... But that day aint today!

So there goes my first post of the New Year - '09! Depressing aye? Well... too bad cos I aint about to Grow Up anymore right now.. poor ol' delinquent me is all I have to offer and maybe a few happier posts later on... so HAPPY NEW YEAR amigos! :)